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2005-10-23 03:42:10 (UTC)

I'm not dead yet don't bury me

so i restarted the diary, back from the ashes. I don't
really know what to say in this at the current moment. I
got a lot of songs floating in my head with lyrics of
bands past and present that somehow inspired me and make
me wanna do something positive. So i'll think i'll
restart this thing with a synopsis of where i am at the
current moment in life. I still believe theres no such
thing as love i believe this now more than ever. I for
the first time in my life have a full time job and get a
paycheck every two weeks for at least the next four years
of my life and that makes me happy. the river city rebels
said it best when they said some dreams are just dreams,
bedtime hopes and starry eyes in the middle of the night.
I "met" two girls that i went to school with down in
florida and its kind of funny that the three of us never
hung out while we were in school together cause we were
all afraid or scared to introduce ourselves but now it
seems stupid that we didn't. All the songs i wrote in the
last year have recently been scraped tossed in the corner
for future usage, maybe but i doubt they'll ever see the
light of the day again. A friend of mine died last week
and at first i was kind of like damn that sucks but i know
that he did everything in life that he wanted too and
he'll always be fucked from the start but thats how some
of us live and if you do everything you set out for then
you can't complain with your life. Lately i've been
described as being an asshole and selfish i find this kind
of funny cause up to a certain point ago i was the person
that would do anything for a friend in need but now i just
feel lazy and apathetic when it comes to friends like eh
one band once said friends come and go but enemies
accumulate and i feel thats the point i'm at right now
like i have friends from years ago that have stayed in my
life i've had friends that have come and gone and come
back again and if someone really wants to be my friend
they'll make the effort cause right now i'm just sick of
trying to be something i'm not, i'm not a nice person i'm
not a good friend i look out for myself in most cases and
i'm sorry i grew up fast but some of us we're forced into
growing up and we can't all be kids for the rest of our
lives. thats another thing i find funny cause up to a
couple months ago i could have been described as being a
kid and often acted reckless with myself but now i have
some responbility where i can't do that anymore and people
seem to be suprised but whatever i guess, you can't make
everyone happy. I hope one day i remember what its like
to be a sick kid in love but right now i'm just looking
forward to going to the beach without an ocean, and
seperating myself from the united states for a little
bit. I talked to another friend yesterday or actually
last night and she was talking about how she feels that
even though shes only 9 miles from her growing up home she
feels like shes so far from home where i'm 337 miles from
where i grew up and i feel that i'm at home, which is kind
of ironic if you ask me but what do i know. on myspace
some friends had a thing that you made the soundtrack to
your life and i took it a step further and actually made
the soundtrack of my life and i've been rocking out to it
all day. i don't know what else to say but i'll leave ya
with some songs that have been stuck in my head

holiday-small brown bike
ya still a paper gangsta-blood for blood
I hope you die soon-the movielife
biblical sense-the pietasters
so common, so cheap-blood for blood
another voice-agnostic front
hooligans-roger miret and the disasters
keep dancin'-madcap
lets get pissed-king size braces
another state of mind-social distortion
Her new man-River City rebels
My life to live-Lars and the bastards

oh and i'm going to go see the river city rebels on monday
october 24th and this is exactly what i need at this point

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