read me

Another diary ...
2005-10-22 16:07:54 (UTC)

Rush of blood .. Everywhere ...

God when i'm faced with this - used to be white - page i
get totally blank .. My computer monitor got fucked today
morning all of a sudden the pc restarted several times and
the monitor made this electric kinda sound then it
attained this change of color from all four sides and kept
it's normal color in a middle box .. to top off the misery
i'm currently in ofcourse .. za3 told me something like
that happened to his pc and the color came back two days
later .. but the way my luck is going i dun think that'll
happen to me , plus i dun think it's the same thing ..

I am miserable again .. because i realised my psych has
become irreversibly repulsed by anything that goes against
my freedom .. i've become dangerously obsessed .. i am
incapable of accepting the way anything in my life is
going and yet i can't afford to change any of it .. so
knowing me , i will have an initial sulking period after
the -rush of blood to the head - i will get crazy and
adventureous with what i think i should do , then get hit
in the face with the reality of my getting bored with
giving mom the 'ugly treatment' and craving very bad for
some peace in my life i will suck up again and eat shit
again and the beat goes on ...

this time the depression took place in an as agonizing but
different manner .. i slept a shit load .. wept a shit
load .. and my body feels tired since yesterday dunno how
come .. i can't stop frowning .. and i can't stopp
thinking of how miserable i am .. i looked dead today and
i'm extremely pissy .. i can't even afford sucicide .. now
that i'm hopeless with the 'someday i'm gonna get outta
this' plan it's more difficult dealing with it .. i can't
think of anyone i can plan to reach out for when things
like this happen to me .. i thought of nawal el saadawi
then remembered the book i can't write anything but, so
that is out .. then an idea hit me : i could write to my
dad .. tell him he won .. i am living a miserable life and
i'm a huge burden on my mother and i'm now thinking i made
the wrong choices .. congrats dad .. i still dunno if i'm
gonna write it or not ..

God seems like he's planned a surge of punishments for
me , till i die? or till i accept what i'm in and realise
i'm deviating to a lane of fatal sinning? I'm sorry for
turning out to be like that God .. i wish u cud
understand ..

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