laughattack

Cokepop for the Smartnessment
2005-10-19 22:33:59 (UTC)

Maybe FORGIVENESS is the key?

To make me happy again. But wait. I need to get out all of
my thoughts.

So yesterday (tuesday) school...I got there late so when
the bell rang for lunch and I got to the lockers Katie and
Kayla were talking and the second I showed up Katie walked
away. It looked like she was mad at me too. She didn't say
a word at all. So I was like ok whatever I really don't
care. I don't even remember what happened for lunch. I
honestly don't. Oh yeah. Grant went home because he didn't
wanna go to 3rd block, so it was me and Kayla alone again.
She kept telling me I had to 'open the lines of
communication' with Katie and get all this shit
straightened out. Just the night before on msn apparently
Katie had been like "Is Nicole mad at me?" (I'd been
giving her and Grant the cold shoulder that day...) and
Kayla was like "I don't know why don't you ask her I don't
wanna be your guyses messanger anymore because it feels
like I'm lying to one person or betraying the other." And
yeah I can totally see where she's coming from on that and
I felt quite bad that I had a part in making her feel that
way. So I'm honestly trying to stop doing that. Only
stupid me. Right after she says that I go "Do you know if
anything happened between Katie and Grant when they saw
Million Dollar Baby during 4th block?" Yeah talk about a
stupid question. But I did wanna know. I never found out
which suits me just fine.

So anyways. Me and Kayla were talking at lunch about all
this. And so I wasn't really in the greatest of moods when
math and chem came along. So pretty much I had a headache
from stressing about shit and whatnot and by the time the
dismissal bell rang I was thankful to just go home and
laze around with Kayla. Because later on that night we
were going to the football game with Grant and Katie. But
I walk up to my locker and Kayla's there and so is Katie
and Grant. I must admit that I was extremely pissed off
because I was pretty sure it was Kayla who got them there.
But I don't think it was just her. I guess the three of
them must have been talking or something during 4th. I
have no idea. So anyways I was really not happy about this
because I honestly was in a horrible mood having been
depressed all day. Like honestly. For all of this week I'd
pretty much given up being fake happy and laughing at
school. I was like just fuck it. My friends know I'm not
happy and if they don't well then they're dense. I'm sick
of putting up with this and I don't even care anymore what
anybody thinks of me. If they wanna ditch me then good for
them. Because quite frankly I'd given up on friends
anyways. I'm sorry to say but that's kinda what caused
this whole thing. Like if my two best friends didn't like
the guy I did, none of this would have mattered. And if
they weren't my friends then I wouldn't care at all about
what happened and what I did. So all in all it wouldn't
have mattered. But whatever. It did all happen.

So yes. Katie and Grant were on their way to going to
Katies and Kayla was like "Yeah you and Katie gotta talk
and you are doing it now. She's going to drop her stuff
off at her house and then you two are talking. And it'd
better be longer than 15 minutes because this has been
going on forever. And that much shit doesn't go away in 15
minutes." So yes. Lets just say that I'm sure the walk
home for Kayla probably wasn't all that pleasant
considering the fact I was pretty livid. My plan was to
hope a bus would hit me sooner or later (preferable
sooner) and then they could continue this whole thing
without me. Only its probably just me that's the whole
thing. They all seem to be happy enough. Its just me who
keeps bringing everybody down. So I just don't understand
why they just don't say "ok fuck Nicole. We're perfectly
fine without her." and just ditch me. Only in a way I'm
glad that hasn't happened. But sometimes the way I feel, I
just wish it would.

So me and Kayla got to my house and were putting our stuff
in my room and going to the bathroom and whatnot and Kayla
hands me a Crunchie and says "It's from me and
Grant...happiness in the form of chocolate." Haha it made
me smile atleast. And it was a really nice thought I must
admit. So then the doorbell rings and Grant's sitting on
my doorstep and Katie's walking up the driveway. So I say
we'll be right out. So I get out and Katie's like "We need
to talk." Well duh. So we go walking down to the end of
the street by the path and talk. Pretty much I just told
her how I'd been feeling lately (she hates hearing
everything from my diary so I take it that she doesn't
read this anymore which is perfectly fine with me) and she
was like "Well what can we do to solve it?" Pretty much
nothing. I got absolutely NOTHING out of our talk but I
guess she did because she seemed satisfied and happier as
we walked back to my front lawn to Kayla and Grant. And so
in effort to make everybody feel like everything's good
now, I went along with the act when Katie was like "Yeah
we got some shit figured out." I guess I'm glad that she
did. I just wish I would have. But why ruin it all and be
like "No I didn't get anything. Still as fucked up as I
ever was. Sorry guys but I was right...talking this over
really didn't help." So to not crush everybody's spirit, I
was like oh yes this is all good I'm happy now.

To tell the truth at first I thought I was acting way to
happy and like wow what a change from the depressed, moody
sad person I'd been earlier that week and day...well
probably all month anyways. But like wow. Although I'm
thinking none of them suspected a thing since nobody said
anything to me about it. So I guess that's good. I just
almost wish I could tell somebody "Ok the talk didn't work
for me. Nothing's changed...not for me." But what would be
the point? There is no way of solving this anyways!

So anyways. The 4 of us walked over to Katies because it
was my day to walk Tucker, and also Katie had to do her
English homework. So we were there for a bit then when
Katie had finished we came back to my place to play Mario
Party 4 (Kayla's game...ours, which is actually Becky's,
is Mario Party 5) and it was pretty fun. I didn't have to
do too much acting happy there...because I was happier
than I had been earlier that day...but it still wasn't
absolute happiness like I always used to be. But its ok.
Because I didn't totally fake my way through the whole
night which is good news. So anyways we were playing and
my mom comes down and asks us if we're hungry and want
hotdogs for dinner. So yeah. We got supper, which was
really nice. Because I know it sucks for my parents
because I always have some friends over and they usually
stay late and its usually like supper. So yeah. We have to
feed my friends which I do feel bad about sometimes
because its more than once a week usually. But so anyways.
Then after supper we made our way over to SAP to see the
football game because it was Falcons vs St. Albert.

The game was ok. The end score was 8-8. But yeah. I dunno.
I faked my way though most of that. The seating went me,
Kayla, Katie, Grant. And even though I had thought that me
and Katie had decided we'd BOTH flirt less with Grant, she
still definately did. I never flirt with him anymore. Well
maybe not never. But hardly ever. Because I don't get
chances. But I suppose that's fine. But yeah. She was
flirting with him. And I was like "ok I won't ruin the
night. I'll try not to let this get to me. Our talk was
supposed to help things." But the thing was- nothing has
changed. Ok me and Katie talked...WHOOP DEE DOO. NOTHING
HAS CHANGED AT ALL. NOTHING. So I just sucked it all up
and was like yay this is fun whoot I'm happy. Then Katie
got cold and Grant's mom was coming to get him because he
was cold too so he was gonna get blankets, and so me and
Kayla walked Katie home while Grant went to meet his mom,
and then me and Kayla came to my place and got more
clothes lol and a blanket and hot chocolate. So that was
good. Then it was just the 3 of us. Kayla was in the
middle. Which was fine because lately she really has been
trying to not flirt with Grant anymore. So even though
they were sitting really close to each other, I understand
it was to keep warm, I was pretty much fine with
everything. lol even though I was waaaay on the outside
freezing my ass off because they had the blanket. But it
was ok because I had said I wasn't cold and that they
could have it. So it wasn't too bad of a night. I really
am trying not to let little things get me down. It just
sucked that even after the talk, nothing has changed at
all.


So yes. Now whatever. Today wasn't really important. We
all got along and I played happy again. Although nothing
pissed me off today. So it wasn't really playing happy. It
just was because nothing's changed at all for me and I'm
not perfectly happy in reality.

So anyways. I think my problem is that I need to forgive.
I need to forgive Katie for liking Grant. She couldn't
helpt it. And I need to forgive her for whatever happened
with them. I don't even know. But I know I have to get
over it and get over myself for making it such a big deal.
I know, or atleast I SHOULD know, that she doesn't mean
it. I don't think she does. Yes things happen but I did
blow things outta proportion at times. So I dunno. But I
need to forgive her. And I don't think I've done that yet.
I'm trying. I really am. But it is hard.

And ditto that with Grant. I need to fogive him for
whatever he did to hurt me. Like that one time watching a
movie when we were getting all close and I had no idea he
already had a girlfriend. I don't think I've gotten past
that yet. But I need to. I need to move on. And I need to
forgive him for getting my hopes up when he said "If I
didn't have a g/f I'd probably ask you out." And then he
goes and likes Brandy, and Katie and whoever else he liked
and flirted with right infront of me even though he knew I
really liked/like him. And I think I maybe need to open
the lines of communication with him too. Me and him never
talk about any of this stuff EVER. I dunno its hard to
explain, just we go around it and pretend like
everything's fine. I've never known how he feels about me
right now and how he did way back when. Did things ever
change or was it just me? I don't even know. But its kinda
a touchy subject with guys talking about that kind stuff.
Hence the fact I've never actually discussed anything like
that with him. But maybe I should. But I need time too.
But I need to forgive him. For all those times he made me
cry, he didn't mean it. Maybe he never even knew how much
he hurt me. Probably not because I never talked to him
about any of that stuff. But I need to forgive him and get
over him. Which I really hope I can do.

And Kayla. Well I have to forgive Kayla for the times she
was all over Grant and made me feel like shit. But I think
I already have. She's mostly been my rock throughout all
of this. She was always there for me to talk to and to
help sort through the shit I was going through even though
none of this at all has been easy for her. So I dunno. I'm
pretty sure me and Kayla are good.

It's just Katie, Grant and myself I have to work on.

I need to forgive myself for making such big deals out of
things and for the times I'd get all mad and vent and talk
bad about people. Such as Katie and Grant. Sometimes when
me and Kayla would get talking I'd pretty much just blame
the whole thing on them. Which I didn't mean- like hello
its called VENTING. But still. It's nost all them. It just
that they'd hurt me too. But still I need to forgive
myself for doing that and tearing down my friends behind
their backs. And for saying that I ALMOST wish Grant would
have never moved here because then none of this would have
probably happened. I'm really glad he moved here. I really
am. Because through lots of things he was there for me too
and my rock when I needed him. And I never really did mean
that. Well ok honestly yes I did. Because this really does
suck. But its NOT ALL HIS FAULT.

It's all me. I just know it. And maybe I have to forgive
myself for that too.

Who knows? Now I'm befuddled again. Maybe I need to think
some more. But I will work on all the forgiveness I gotta
do. I dunno why I just feel like its something I have to
do to help me move on and get over this all. It's kinda a
hard thing to understand.

And I don't think that I've given this all to God. I'm
pretty sure I haven't. Not all of it anyways. So I'm
working on that too. But it really is a hard thing to do.
I don't know if I can. But I still will try.

Man there's alotta trying and things I gotta work on.

But I work tonight. So I gotta go.




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