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2005-10-18 20:38:27 (UTC)

Am I really going the right direction?

I've just started college and I let go of the person who
meant the most to me. It's more complicated than that. The
online world has always been home to me. Through the
blessed internet I met many people and even had a few
"relationships" through this cyber world. I know it must
sound like foolishness. I suppose I was living in a
fantasy. The relationship would never get real grounds
afterall when considering the distance that usually laid
between us. Then there was Mike. We met through an online
game though he refused to talk on instant messenger -unlike
me he wanted to keep the distinction between reality and the
imagination. Somehow, that boundary ended up getting
crossed anyway. He had a girlfriend at the time yet when he
visited me things changed. There was a spark like I have
never experienced. Here I had thought that the only place I
could love was through words on a screen. I had convinced
myself that love that involved touch or going out to see
movies wasn't for me. When he came here I felt love. I
had forgotten what love was until he was here. In fact, I
didn't think I could feel so strongly ever again as if my
heart was too tired to wake back up from its isolated sleep.
I think that my heart was confused. A man came out of the
words I read. Instead of the figment of my imagination
there developed a real person who had the possiblity of
being in my life -for real. Of course, he crossed my
parents and pushed me to go further with a man than I was
accustomed to; since I usually dated in a textbased setting
I've hardly gone far at all.

He left for his home and then our long distance relationship
began. Everything was fine until he talked about visiting.
Wouldn't that thought excite me? Yet I was dreading it.
How would it work? Would he want to sleep in my bed?
That's a big step..a big step. We argued about that
actually. He said it wasn't a big step at all. That was
where my heart started looking for ways out of this
relationship I believe. Even when I told him that the
distance was too hard I felt close to no sadness. I'm
content knowing that my heart still has the ability to love
though now I'm not sure if it will after Mike. We had fit
so perfectly in our interest and personalities. I still
have trouble thinking of him with anyone else.

So here I sit in utter dismay. Did I do the right thing?
He says I gave up. Maybe I did. I wanted a total
relationship. I got sick of a relationship through words.
He never has had one besides me so I doubt he can comprehend
what I'm going through. All he sees is me as the enemy, me
as the fool. I'm looking too hard for someone here. I
don't need someone now. Maybe I don't even need someone. I
was I could be blessed with that childlike innocence again;
one who is oblivious of the world and clueless to what they
are missing. I don't need someone. Perhaps if I tell
myself that over and over I'll actually believe it. I don't
need someone..I don't need someone...I don't need
someone...I don't need someone...I want to love someone.


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