Trippy

Confessions of a junky
2005-10-17 21:17:14 (UTC)

my only way out

Well i was listing to music and thinking... let me explain
that.. i was listing to Don't fear the reaper by Unto
Ashes... if you havent heard the song... Listen to it...
and if you have... You have to hear Unto Ashes version...
Its great.... But any way... Back to what i was thinking...
Lately iv been wanting to do drugs again... but i haven't
and i won't... and the days are very hard on me... See
before, i created my own world... If i didnt like the way
things were going... i used and i didnt have to put up with
it.. if i did something i didn't like i used and i forgot
it.... If i wanted something to happen i used and i felt so
powerful and unafraid and i made it happen.. or felt like i
could make it happen.. but the thing is i was always so
fucked up that i was living in this fantasy world... where
i couldnt seperate the real from the fake... i couldnt tell
you what was dreams and what was really going on.. i would
zone out and be daydreaming.. and i would actually think
that that shit was happining... or had happend... Cuz i
have had converstations with theripist and family and had a
lot of testes done on my brain... and all this other
confusing shit... Pretty much it all comes down to... i
wasnt living a real life... i was living in one big fucking
fantazy world... if i was in the car and riding along and
started zoneing out and thinking i was on a flying fucking
pink poney... i thought i actually really thought that i
was flying on a god damn pink poney... and i thought that
was normal real fucking shit.... okay maybe thats a bit out
there... and i didnt go that far... but you get the
point...... well now.. im having trouble coping with the
real world... see im doing shit... and its starting to
effect me.. because the things im doing... are actually
REAL... and im having a hard time understanding why they
have real shit happnening behind them... you know.. and i
dont like it... im getting confused all the fucking time..
cuz i dont see why i do this... and nothing happens... or i
do this... and something fucking major happens... cuz to
me... in the past.. it didnt seem like a big fucking
deal... but that was because i was to fucked up to
see ...or care what was happening... Now... i know... And i
hate it... every thing is real.. and i fucking hate that i
cant control every thing and every one... and i cant
control the way i feel.. every second of every day... i
actually feel pain... and i have to deal with it now... and
i dont want to... cuz now.. the pain is just TO REAL... lol
wow.. iv heard that in a song.... but its fucking
true!!!!... I hate it so much... and every day its getting
stronger... im starting to have flashbacks.... and i just
can't deal with this shit... thats why i say... im thinking
more and more about doing drugs... but i can't and i
won't.... so... iv been going back to the thought of
suicide... and i feel so comfortable when i think about
death.. i feel so at peace... and like thats the right
thing to do... and the fact that im not scared to kill my
self... sorta scares the fuck outta me... and the fact that
im starting to have dreams of me being dead... and
daydreaming of me just laying somewhere lifeless brings me
peace... its really bugging the fuck outta me... and i
can't talk to my parents... beacuse i have tryed to kill my
self... 2 times... and not just that little sissy shit like
ooooo im gonna scratch my wrist shit... iv actually
attempted suicide.... and the first time wasnt so bad.. it
was just a hair dryer in the bath tub and an o.d. on over a
hundered pills.... but the second time... i ended passed
out in I.C.U for 5 days... the 6th day i woke up and was
moved to another room and still had the tubes going threw
my nose and down my throat.... and they kept pumping shit
down it.... and ... it sucked ass... i was in that part of
the hospital for 2 more days.... and while all that when on
i was going threw detox and whithdreaw really fuckin bad...
that alone almost fuckin killed me..... and the fact that i
lost a baby while all that was going on... it was the most
painful experince in my intire fucking life... I know how
to do it now tho without getting caught... iv had a little
experance... ...1st show no signs of pain the day your
going to do it.... 2nd wait till they go to bed istead of
doing right away... 3 be quiet about it 4 MAKE SURE YOU
DIE!!! ................. the end ..... but im not going to
do it..... im just going to make sure if i do.... im ready
and i have a plan that will work.... 100%... just in
case... no bull shit....


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