2005-10-15 06:58:58 (UTC)

If you think about it.......

If you want to wrap your mind around it, where did I fail?
In all things I give my all, in all things I try my best and
still I fail. I just read my ex-fiances' diary again and
even though it hasn't been updated in a long time I know how
the entries would be. The pain, doubt, and eventual
dismissal of her love for me. I don't mind that it happened
to me, I've gotten quite good at holding myself together
when all hell breaks loose. I'm going to send her my
journal, and come better or worse, she'll see it. I never
wanted her to see the doubt and anxiety I felt, this was my
shelter for my dark place. I don't care anymore, all I have
is gone. In the late hours I still wonder how things came
to this, but in one of my entries I explained it: If
something good happens, so does something bad, and
apparently vice versa. I have a job now, but I've lost my
home, friends, and my dearest love in getting it. I guess
people could say I was blind or just stupid, but I think
they would be wrong..... I always did the best I could. I
don't care if this makes me hurt, she is all I think about
still, as I have since I saw her standing in front of Rocky,
and then in the moonlight at the beach. I can still feel
the pain I felt every time she drove away, and when she
would get sick because of work, and the joy of just being in
her presence, which I now have to fight for every minute I
get. My hands are shaking in fear and self-doubt, but I
will not be so weak as to back down now. I have already
lost her, my only real fear is her telling me not to come
around anymore, but then again, I've been waiting for that
for a long time now. this will be my last entry in this
I think

Patrick Everett
Lost soul