2005-10-14 19:47:38 (UTC)


F it. Screw it. I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of not
making the kind of money I need to make. I'm sick of not
having an IRA, I'm sick of not attaining sick funds to
save for Columbia, I'm sick of working with BS stupid
insignificant piss sorry excuses for life forms who hit on
me though they don'e speak english, I'm sick of my car
being busted, I'm sick of making excuses, I'm sick of not
having a motorcycle. I'm sick of not being able to travel
long distance, I'm sick of my class schedule, I'm sick of
spacing out, I'm sick of not seeing movies I want to see
on the big screen, I'm sick of telling people I can't come
because of whatever when I'm just broke. I'm sick of guys
hitting on me, I'm sick of making excuses, I'm sick of
lying. I'm sick of not driving my motorcycle. I'm sick of
not having long enough hair, I'm sick of my hair falling
out, I'm sick of not being able to afford my own meds, I'm
sick of how badly my teeth look, I'm sick of not being
able to pay my phone bill all the time, or my life
insurance. I'm sick of not having enough cash, leading me
not to be able to have the things I need to develop my
skills. This needs to happen now. I need to keep track of
people I come across that may be awesome to work with
later, I need to be able to keep in touch with them, I
need to keep their pictures and profiles well organized, I
need a laptop, a digital camera, a bunch of computer
programs (Director's cut pro, photoshop, adobe...)I need
to have a good 35 mm cam, I need to have time for myself
with these materials to just write, put stuff together and
compose. I need to create films and start submitting them
to film festivals. I need this. I need my friends to start
writing the things in their heads on to paper. I need to
accumulate a sick amount of wealth so that I can produce
these ideas and hire a ton of directors, to be a freaking
fox studios in chicago. To become competition to MGM,
Paramount, Warner Brothers and so on. I'm sick of just
saying it. This crap needs to F ing happen. I don't want
to become a f ing person who just says crap and never does
it. The ideas in my mind are unbelievable. I know who I
am, and there's much more I can do then I think I can. But
I'm in a bad spot. I'm so pissed at myself.

I think I want to become a masseus. What if I take the
next semester to study it. What if I
Oh yeah, I'm also sick of not having a freaking projector
in my room to be able to rent/buy movies frequently and
watch them witht the whole experiance. What the hell kind
of a film director am I, can I be when I haven't seen
Jaws, Scent of a woman, psycho, vertigo, The Godfather, or
most of the 100 greatest movies ever made. This bites. I'm
suppose to revolutionize the world of film how?

I called off of work today, and that's fine. I hate the
spanish guys that work there. I hate how they look at me.
I don't want you, and I don't even want to acknowledge
your existance as a human being. By god is that annoying.

If this idea about massage keeps going I will enroll for
next semester, and take only about two night classes so
that I can take the massage courses somewhere. I'm
thinking of that polish place, they teach english and I
think they'll help you find work too, which is fine,
great. I'd just have to get a 5,000 dollar loan for an
unemployed student that I can pay back once I have a
massage job. I think it would be fun. Especially since it
would only take half a year and there. I have ways of
making a living, and damn what a hell of a profession. I
like giving massages, it's pleasant. To put people in
ease, it's fantastic, and keeps intuition sharp.

But what was I writing before I went off on this
tangent... oh yeas I already covered it. Well yeah.

So here's the plan if I still like this idea in a month
and a half to two months I will contact that school, get a
loan and enroll. Take a lessened course for Wright and
just be a broke student for another 1/2 a year. That's it.
My dreams require heavy finances. So I figure living with
my folks wont be a bad thing anymore. Especially since
were gonna have a much bigger place now. Eventually we can
buy something somewhere. But by that time, I may be buying
a loft. Or I could still live with them but have an
investment property. Whatever. Need hoards of cash for
following film endeveaors, and I will not stand for
sufficating creativity with lack of cash or excuses on
time. This is freakin bs. I'm sick of this S--- it's time
to get to work. I gotta lift weights!