Mezzo Swede

A Toast to World Domination
2005-10-05 06:38:26 (UTC)

Walk-Thru Car-Wash?

Yesterday my mother made me so angry that I saw red.
Literally. I punched a wall, so that I wouldn't punch her.
How is is possible that the woman who birthed me can
provoke such unbridled anger in me? And when she does,
can't she see how tired, and worn down I am? She told me
that I am "the reason Dad doesn't want to come home". That
made me so sad, that I ripped 4 nails off my left hand
fingers, throwing god-knows-what across the room. The
didn't rip all the way off...but it hurt like you wouldn't
believe. After about an hour, when I got feeling back in my
body. I punched the wall. She makes me crazy.

Anyway, I wrote oodles and oodles about it last night, and
then got kicked offline. Probably a good thing, since my
mood at the time was fouler than foul.

Did I mention how pissed I am at James? He has Charles'
car, and won't return my phone calls. If this is his way of
protesting us not getting married in 10 days...then he
needs to grow the fuck up. At first I was worried, so after
4 days of not hearing from him, I called his work. They
said he was busy serving tables, so apparently he's still
alive. My anger intensified. If I don't get an appropriate
response regarding the car, I will report it stolen.

I am so sad about Luis. I don't understand how he thinks
there can be an "US" given the circumstances. The
circumstances that HE created. This is not a relationship.
This is not helping each other through tough times. This is
not sharing happy times, and fun activities. This is not
being close. This is bullshit. This is calling to talk
about how your fucking day was. Please forgive me if I
don't want a "deep, profound relationship", where we lose
track of who we are, never share anything, have no clue
what the other person's life is like...and prevent
ourselves from enjoying life. And seriously, if it ISN'T
preventing him from enjoying life...then he's obviously
better off without me. I may be sounding a little harsh and
adamant, but I get angry when he is quick to blame. Maybe
he's right. Maybe I don't want to try. Maybe I don't want
to miss him all the time. Maybe I don't want to be alone. I
guess that's the price he'll pay then. I love him. I
really, really love him.

I was so tired today, that I thought I'd kill to birds with
one stone, and get my exercise, walking to the car-wash...




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