Ms. R

Assimilated
2005-10-05 01:50:34 (UTC)

One Hundred Twenty-Fifth Entry- 10-4-05

David, I know you are still reading this. I hope you are
well.

I said I wasnt going to do it....I said I wasnt going to do
it.

SO why am I doing it???

B2 and I had a talk. I decided to come clean and tell him
ALL the reasons I didnt want a relationship with him. From
where he lives to his wanting only sex to his weight. Well,
he told me he was shocked...not hurt, just shocked that I
never told him the whole truth. He asked me why and I said
I didnt want to hurt his feelings. He practically fell over
himself apologizing. First he said he thought I wanted sex
like that. I told him I was disgusted by his actions. I
think he was really stunned. He begged me to give him
another chance. He said he could be as loving a man as I
have ever met. I asked him why the turn around? Because he
told me he didnt want a relationship before..just wanted
the physical. He said its been several years since his wife
died and he is ready now. Then I said about where he lived.
He said I would get used to being there the more I went
there. I wasnt sure of that, but then I said about his
weight. I told him I absolutely did NOT want a man who was
obese. I would NOT go through again what I did with Jim.
Well, he promised me that he would lose weight...said he
would get so skinny that I wouldnt recognize him. He told
me he has been looking for someone and there I was right in
front of him and all this time he didnt know what there was
about him that was keeping me away. He wanted us to meet
tomorrow since he is off, but I didnt feel comfortahle with
that. This whole thing just happened TOO fast. Right now I
dont know WHAT to think. I told him I would give it a try
but I couldnt promise anything. He said that was all he
wanted...a chance to prove to me that he can be the man I
need.

So why do I not feel happy? Why do I feel scared? I know
why. Because right now he IS obese and its going to take
him time to lose the weight...maybe a year. And he has 2
teenage daughters. I dont relish the possibility of being a
stepmother. I have enough with my OWN daughter.

And I still love Ron. I even told B that. He said he
understood and wouldnt pressure me.

And I am afraid its going to end up like all the other
relationships I have had...a disaster. But I think this is
the first time I have been really SCARED about starting a
new relationship....mainly because everything in me is
telling me its not going to work. But everytime I had a
relationship that I thought WOULD work, it didnt. So WTF
should I think??

I heard from A....we are meeting for breakfast tomorrow at
10. I am actually looking forward to talking to him. I need
a diversion desperately.




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