Cowgirl_Mom

Ramblings of a Mom
2005-10-04 21:26:04 (UTC)

I am such a wreck!

Okay, this past Saturday, after 2 weeks, I finally began to
grieve my father's death. Now everything affects me.
Walking down the aisle at Sam's with the peanuts,
remembering that every month or so I'd have to get some for
Dad, brought me to tears, realizing that I wouldn't do that
anymore. Seeing things that my Dad would purchase for my
Mom and realizing that she didn't have that any more caused
me to tear up.
I see pictures of him, and it's too hard to face. It's
like I don't want to believe that he's really gone. He
can't be gone, he was too alive! He was too stubborn, too
much of a man, to have died this way! How cruel can God
be? To take a man this way. To put me through this much
grief in such a short time? My great-aunt (who, when the
song by Alabama, Angels Among Us, was played at her
funeral, was so very appropriate!) who died on the fourth
of July, then being notified on the 16th of July that my
father-in-law had passed sometime previously in the week,
then, my uncle (my father's younger, and only, brother)
dies on August 10th, but we are not notified until the
14th, and then, finally, my Dad goes into the hospital on
September 11th, Grandparents' Day.
That happened so quickly, here's a summary:
Sept. 7th - has a CAT Scan/MRI done of his abdomen.
Sept. 8th - informed he has a mass in the left side of his
abdomen.
Sept. 11th - CAT Scan/MRI rerun, mass is renamed as a tumor.
Sept. 12th - Biopsy done on his 'tumor/mass'.
Sept. 13th - It is cancer, don't know what kind.
Sept. 14th - It is pancreatic cancer, all questions are
deferred to the oncologist, who says we will be seeing a
chemo specialist.
Sept. 15th - It is Stage 4 (of 4) and he needs to have
other issues addressed prior to starting chemo, expect to
be hospitalized for a little while.
Sept. 16th - There are 2 small blood clots in his lungs (in
addition to previously discovered blood clots in his right
leg and abdominal area). He deteriorates rapidly this
day. We are told in the evening that we need to expect to
stay over night, that he probably won't make it through the
weekend.
Sept. 17th - He opens his eyes to me that morning. He is
still maintaining contact with us through facial expression
and movement in his hands throughout the day as we beg him
to hang on for his first-born son to arrive from
California. His lungs fill with fluid prior to their
arrival. He is slowly drowning and his body is shutting
down as we beg him to just hang on for them to get there.
Mike and Hortensia and their daughters arrive. We give him
permission to go, to let go. To go be with his Mom (she
died 4 years ago), his Dad (he died 27 years ago), his
brother (who died August 10th), to be a whole family
again. But he doesn't go.
I promise to take care of Mom, I tell him that Don will
take care of me and raise the boys to be good men, he
doesn't go. My oldest (half) brother tells him that he
will not let this family go to the wayside, that he
realizes that Dad made this family, and he won't lose touch
again, but he doesn't go.
My middle brother announces that he can't be there, he's
made his peace, and it would not be good for him to be
there for the final breath. He leaves, the two youngest
grandchildren, my baby son and my baby niece (she's 6 years
old) both kiss him good bye, and the kids leave with my
husband to go to our house for the night. Then he passes.
He finally let's go and let's God. Now why can't I?
My mother got angry with me today when I told her to let me
know about a co-pay on a prescription that she got for me.
The doctor wrote it in her name so that her insurance would
pay for it and I could have it, since I don't currently
have insurance for myself. She tells me, like she doesn't
already owe me so much? I tell her, but yes, but she's
hurting, financially and emotionally, and I promised Dad
that we would take care of her, and that is what I am doing.
She asked me if when she calls Hospice for counseling for
herself if I wanted her to ask for me as well, and I tell
her, yes, ask if I am covered, and if so, yes, I would like
to go.
Tyler's teacher called today. It is becoming more the norm
that he doesn't have his homework or his assignment book
every day. He is also having issues with keeping his hands
(and elbows) to himself, so the kids are complaining about
him in line and this morning the monitor had to separate
him from everyone else before the teacher came to get
them. I explained to the teacher about the homework
stuff. I bailed him out twice on homework, calling the
teacher, writing notes, whatever, to get his homework done
(spelling word list, etc), but that I would not continue to
bail him out on his lack of responsibility. If he doesn't
bring it home, he pays the price, at home and at school.
What more can I do? But yet, today, he does not bring home
his math homework, and he knows that the teacher has called
me today, and he knows that he is in trouble.
I spanked him today, and oh, how I hate to do that. I told
him that obviously he has been grounded from screen time
for the past 7-10 days, and that has not made an
impression. Next would be me removing his books from his
book shelf. He has lots of those! But I will be removing
one complete shelf at a time. Then, after that is gone, I
will remove scouting activities, the upcoming fall campout,
Halloween, etc. I don't know what to do next!




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