supergoddess

This diary is my kief,hashish,&opium pip
2005-10-03 20:22:02 (UTC)

I'm a psychosomatic sister running around without a leash. You can take me home but I will never be your girl.

I never really got around to starting this entry, so it's
going to be really long. Here goes nothing.

First off- There is something seriously wrong with me.

Yeah, I know that's prettymuch stating the obvious, but
don't worry, I'll get to a point sooner or later.

The problem is, I don't like anyone.

I know how stupid that sounds. But I just don't feel like
having a relationship right now. I'll see someone, want
them, and then when they want me back, I'll feel smothered
and bored.

Does anyone know what the hell is wrong with me? No one is
good enough for me. Everyone I like, I know that I will
eventually get bored of them in a few weeks.. or days..
or.. minutes. No one can make me happy besides Pat, and
that's the truth. Period.

It's not fucking fair. If I was a normal highschool girl,
I could be content with anyone who would settle for me.

But I'm not normal. And I can't settle for anybody. I
don't know what I want. Besides Pat. I. Want. Pat.

WHY?!

He's all I want. If I could want something else, something
easier, something so uncomplicated that it was effortless,
I would. But I just can't. I don't know why I can't like
anyone else, and I don't know why Pat is consistantly on
my mind.

So when I went to visit everyone in New Jersey, it must've
been 2 in the morning, my mom woke me up, and when I was
all bitchy to her saying something like "Well thanks for
waking me up mom" she was like "shut the hell up" and I
said "no" so she scratched my face. So I went into the
bathroom and just cried and cried and cried because I
couldn't get away from her (we were in the confines of a
hotel room). I cried because I will never ever see Pat,
and things will never get better. THINGS WILL NEVER GET
BETTER. And I cried until I couldn't breathe. I need to
tell him how I feel but it's just going to hurt him more
and I can't fucking do that.

Fucking shit. Nothing will ever get better.

Another thing- I hate seeing Jon. I mean... of course I
love seeing him... his face is practically angelic. He's
freaking amazing. Okay? I only like him because he's so
hot. He gives me something to think about. I can pretend
that I like him and not Pat, and feel like a normal loser
girl for a few minutes.

Wow, I sound stalkerish. But nonetheless. I see him and
his girlfriend about two times every day. Always in the
break I have in the middle of science (gag) and before we
get on the bus. It's really, really, annoying.

What does she have that I don't... besides 50 extra pounds?

On the bus this morning Jon said something to me along
the lines of "You better hurry up and finish your homework
Little Brittany" accompanied by a really cute smile. And I
pretended not to hear him because I had my iPod in. I
can't stand it. Then on the bus coming home he sat on the
seat across from me and went to sleep. I couldn't help but
stealing glances. Of course he didn't notice because he
was sleeping. He looked so cute. Then he kept putting his
feet on my seat but they kept sliding off because it was
raining and everything was wet. I pretended not to
notice/care but how could you NOT notice something like
that? I don't want to talk to him because I can't have him
and it bothers me. A lot.

And now I'm going to be in his lunch tomorrow. My teacher
wants us to stay in class for half an hour more to finish
some test or something, so she's putting us in the other
lunch for a day. And I'm going to see Jon and his
disgusting girlfriend flirting and laughing, and I'm not
going to eat anything.

There is nothing for me to do, I have no escape anymore
because I can't purge anymore. I want to be anorexic again
really bad, but I know it won't happen because I have lost
all self-control I once posessed when it comes to food. I
eat everything in sight. I eat pounds of cookies and
junkfood and say "well, it's okay because I'm fasting
tomorrow". And I never do fast. I just keep eating it. I'm
pathetic.

Today after school, me and Aimee were walking to the buses
and she says "Hey, let's go on a food strike" and I was
like "You mean.. hunger strike.. like.. fasting..?" and
she said yes. So. I guess we're fasting tomorrow. But I
doubt it since we have no self-control, either of us. But
whenever I sit down there's this pudge of fat and it
constantly grosses me out.

There's no harm in fatal intentions if you don't act on
them, right?

Nope.

Smoking looks like a nice escape but.. hello.. PAT. I
could never ever take up smoking, not after what we
promised to eachother. I'm just going to have to write and
write and rot here and eat and eat and get fatter as each
day passes until fat clogs up my arteries and I die of
heart failure.

So much for optimism.

Anyway.

Love,
Fucking fat obese bitch who needs to lose weight
desprately.




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