read me

Another diary ...
2005-10-03 00:12:12 (UTC)

Sleep talk.

i'm sick of writing in this shit diary .. i keep writing
the shit that don't really matter .. when stuff do happen
and there's somethin crucial to write about , something
that has to be recorded , i dun feel like writing!

i slept almost all day today .. things i did that prove
i'm not dead yet are my combing my hair , showring , and
attending my section and not spending much money today ..
other than that i just ate a shit load watched tv and
slept and slept and slept some more ..

My mother has decided to put on the fucked up 'i'm upset
with u and i'm giving u the silent treatment' atittude ..
and oh my god did it mmake a surge of all fear , anger and
frustration run through my system .. weirdly it was mainly
fear .. i was so fucking afraid tryina figure how i could
possibly break this ice , afraid life will get any
worse .. when i went outta the house today i could feel
the pain of my anger , the patheticness of my life .. i
mean , she's got the power to twist me around and i'm so
angry i use dto think with determination like mine i can
go places .. now i just just feel so miserable again ..
only not like before .. a hundred times more .. i am going
no where .. And she's got that stupid infuriating way of
barging into my room whenever she wants , turning on the
light and talking to me like am wide awake when i'm
sleeping , when she's in the bitch-mode , expecting me to
answer her .. i do hear her and i could answer but it
looks like am fucking sleeping for god's sake!!!. it;s
sooo fucking provokative it makes me feel like i should
kill her right away .. she does it like now it's ok to be
inhuman and ugly with
me ..

the way she changes .. just like my dad .. so that u'd
never know exactly what's ok with her and what's not .. i
mean there was a time when i came home real late and she
wouldn't mind and times when i came back earlier than
usual and she'd be objecting .. she let me tarvel alone to
the coast and sharm el sheikh this summer but i doubt
she'd elt me do it come midterm holiday even though she
mentioned she would .. i'm afraid to go out now and when i
do i keep worrying about when i'll be back home .. other
than th time i worry about seing her when i'm home ,
having to deal with whatever mood she's in and begging for
mercy inside ..i'm afraid she'll find out anything about
me..
even though there aren't exactly drastic secrets .. but
then how would i know what's drastic to her .. i keep
remembering the millions of times she yelled at me and we
fought and from the last time back till the time of the
divorce when she used to be a horrid bitch .. lately for
the past two years when she yells it gives me the worst
shivers and after she's done i become real paranoid even
though i put the angry face .. i try to avoid provoking
her into the state where she starts screaming like a crazy
person again making me feel jeoprodized .. i claim i'm
angry but i think i'm really just so scared .. i will
never forget what a bitch she is in so many ways .. and
the anger has lingered this time .. this time when i say i
want her to die i dun think it's just the exaggeration of
my angered feelings .. i think i'm really alone in this
now .. and i dun want to know what anyone thinks about
it .. except if it's sympathy .. i won't take anything
other than sympathy ..

i always feel pathetic when i write or ask anything from
god .. these days it seems all my opinions and how i've
lately decided on how my personality should be based on is
out if his 'allowed' zone .. then i guess now i'm just
talking about the 'people's god' the god i critisize all
the time creating a shell around the god i'm still trying
to figure out .. the god that is not the one they're
describing .. when really i still fear their god .. if it
is him then it explains some of the agony i'm in but not
really .. if he's so mad at me i dun really get why coz
some people are a hundred times worse in terms of actions
but a lot better in terms of happiness ... or so it
seems ..

i know i had all these charity plans for ramadan .. and
hopes of praying and getting closer to god now that this
could be a good excuse for my psyche .. even if i think
it's fake .. at least am doing something for him .. but
right now i feel like i dun want ramadan to come at all ..
traffic officers or whatever they're caled were what i had
in mind for probono work this year but now i keep thinking
of how it just won't work .. and the idea of expecting to
see my moms family more than once this month is just
annoying .. i can't stand anything form her side anymore i
dunno why .. maybe it's coz of my dad .. even though the
last conversation that involved him (that i'd mntioned
before) gave me sort of a lame excuse to hate him .. i'd
despise anyone who'd get in the way of my freedom .. but
maybe amna was right .. maybe it's not a good reason coz i
know dad won't do that it was just my bitch mom tryina
cover up for the evil bitch inside her .. god she scares
me .. i guess i just finally found a way to feel angry
rather than guilty abut my dad .. i'm not desperate to
know how he is anymore ..

i keep feeling i'll die of misery .. i want to .. but i
don't .. i don't wanna judged .. i just dun wanna exist
anymore ...




Ad: