Ramblings of a Mom
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2005-09-30 00:05:39 (UTC)

Anger, Being Angry

OK, I admit it, I'm ANGRY!!

I'm Angry with my Dad for not getting medical attention
when this all first started. I know, in my heart of
hearts, that it would not have changed the outcome, he
still would have died from pancreatic cancer, but at least
we could have been more prepared. We could have had more
time with him. I could have gleaned him for more
information, more memories, that I could pass on to my
sons. Hell, I could have had him to walk me down
the "aisle" one last time, with the right man this time.
I'm angry with God. Why does he put me through so much
that I can't even see straight? I know the saying, "He
leads you to it to lead you through it" but I just don't
see that right now. Why me????? I know I am stupidly
strong and whatever, but can I not catch a break?
I'm angry with my uncle and his choices. He's dead and
gone now and he has my dad (his big, and only, brother)
there to kick his butt around about it, but still, how long
is this going to haunt us? Today we discover that the
mother of one of his god-children was named as the
beneficiary for his retirement (one of them) and she has
changed the address to her home address. Oh, I see, so she
benefits, what the hell about your daughter and grand-
daughter? Thank goodness, they are in Germany, not here to
see all of this. But the woman's all, oh, but I just heard
about Jim (my Dad), and my Mom told her, quite ugly, that
she is not ready to talk to her at this time and hung up on
her. The truth is, when Dad died, the last folks we
notified, by choice, is the Waco crap crew. We didn't want
their phony condolences or their faces to remind us of the
shit that we have yet to wade through there at my father's
celebration service.
I'd like to know who told her. This experience has really
put me on edge on trusting anyone. Nothing racially lined,
just trusting anyone and what they say at all.
I have yet to grieve my father's passing. But yet, I am
angry with almost everyone I cross paths with. There are
very few exceptions. My mother is an exception, I guess
because I expect the worst from her, considering the
circumstances. My husband, the same. He lost his Dad and
a very close father-in-law within 2 months of each other.
But yet, there are so many folks who promise that they will
be there to receive your phone calls when you need to talk,
and, as it was when Dad died, they don't seem to be
available when you call. You can't call on each other in
the family, for all of you are going through various stages
of your own, you don't need to be holding each other up
necessarily. We need time and space to be ugly, to be
angry, to grieve, what ever it may be, and we can't
necessarily do it with each other, but what other outlet do
we have? Especially when those you choose to call are
unavailable to listen, much less talk?
I have struck out at my grandfather, I get short with my
brothers (both of the younger ones), and I play like I am
strong with my older brother. Where do I go? My Mom needs
space, yet she needs me, because she has more freedom to
speak with me than with the other boys, I am at a loss.
I guess I'll just return to my beer and continue to pour
myself into the diary until I figure it out.