Amnesia

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Ezoic
2005-09-29 22:26:47 (UTC)

It's been a while since I've REALLY written something real...

So here it is...all of it everything.

The latest news is that I have just bought a pair of
pants. I like them except for the fact that they might
shrink in the wash and become too short, but I'm fed up
with all the shopping stuff. I've been driving around
stores for 3 hours to find one perfect pair of jeans to
replace my current face's. I didn't want to pay 30 bucks
for it either. 25 is the most. 27 is pushing it. These
were 18 something with tax. Their Pretty dark denim, with
a scruffy khaki beige double hooked belt. Real comfy. I
can even pull up the bottom legs. It's extremely difficult
though. My last ones with the lovely flowers on the sides
got a little worn out through my thighs rubbing together.
Although, I think I would have had them for a bit longer
had I not grinded in them on David that one... maybe two
times. I know that caused some damage.

The jean thing upsets me cause my old pants cost 12 bucks,
all the prices must have gone up within the last year and
a half or more that I haven't shopped. Though those were
on sale, still. I can't wait until I have some cash and
just go off on a shopping spree, I'm way overdue for one.
I wanna advance some of my clothes that shrunk & tore a
bit too much to the top of my closet. That's where I put
all the useless clothes I have but will keep as costume
possibilities for future directing endeavors: Never throw
anything out, you don't know what will be useful one day.

I've been really concerned with money and it's spending
recently. Especially since I don't have any, I'm hardly
making any, I've been working practically once a week for
a month and my check will be given to me once the owner
comes back from vacation. I think that's gonna be some
time next week. That's mostly gonna go to bills anyway
though. I can't really buy anything right now. Atleast not
from the money I earn. It will be to susceptable to
detection. No one in my house must know that I work. I'm a
student who doesn't have time to work.

I need to get better at work though. Right now I'm
thinking that I really just have to regroup on the big
picture. I need a due date for that big picture too,
otherwise it ain't happening. When I was studying for my
securities I was really slacking when I just told myself
I'll study 3 pages a day. But when I said I want to take
the test by the end of the month and that that is going to
consist of 15 plus pages per day while I was taking care
of my dad after the crash, and working in the morning I
still did it. Almost finished too. Developed real
discipline until I got off balance on the social aspect
and decided to go to slepp after that so that I can work
instead of just work study and such.

I feel mucky right now. Like blah. It doesn't feel pretty
but I know exactly how I got this way. I've got no due
dates really. Everything is a bit more spaced out. I can
take my time. I don't really wanna take my time. It's not
that I want to study or work, I just want the results. I
want to go to a killer party and not worry about money. I
want to have some type of minimal steady income coming in
that would be for beginners, enough for me to buy a cup of
coffee every day and be able to go out with my friends at
least once a week. It's really hurting me, and my pride
asking my mom for cash. I avoid it at all costs. But in
return I develop more muckiness and a stale attitude. I
end up always wanting to hang but never really drawing
plans because I know that I can't afford it and going
anywhere would involve expenses. I know that I can ask and
get the cash later, but I don't like that. I hate it.

Right now I'd love to just be living on my own in a 600
dollar studio in Oak Park. I'd have my brother transfer
the Geo I drive to my name, as well as having individual
insurance on it. Both would be mine. I'd get new tires for
the geo, and a cd player, perhaps fix the handbreak.

The apartment would be beautifully decorated. The walls
would be all black velvet with designs in them. Since it
would be a huge studio, I'd have dividers to seperate my
room, from kitchen, from living room, dining room
hopefully, and such. These would all be draped in red
burgundy silk. I'd have blinds on the windown with
burgundy silk drapes as well. I'd cut them in a big
triangle, and fold them in half. That's how they would
hang. That way there would be a curly little thing in the
middle with a good place to put an emblem. I'd put in one
of a fierce dragon on all of them. Spectacular. On top of
these silk coverings, to keep the wind from pushing them
too far would be many black or burgundy tassles giving
them weight.
The furniture would be mahogany wood, everything else I'd
aim for black. There would be no t.v. Instead I'd buy a
projector and many dvd's to project on the wall. Better
way to watch anyway. My bed would be a bit victorian, a
sleep number or something like that, with one of those
cloth things that covers the whole ordeal and leaves you
incased inside. That would be burgundy.

I'd have company over all the time, I'd go places I like
to go, like to the movies, poetry readings, and anything
new I haven't done yet. I'd do anything that inspires me.
I'd buy little booklets that artists come out with that
shows the best of their styles. I'd buy lucifer comics
every month and catch up on those that have come out
already. I'd have a laptop, 2 digital cameras, one top
notch, the other just small and cheap. My own 35 mm cam.
Enough stuff to work my own dark room. Not to mention that
I'd have a lot of fantastic programs on that laptop.
Photoshop, Adobe, Direcors cut pro, All the neccessary
Word things, and anything else top notch to help me make
movies. I'd have a printer, scanner, picture printer with
copier, jump drive, all my files saved on many different
drives, and very organized. All the books, binders, I
wanted to start would be there for reference...
characters, locations, scenes, plots, themes, imagery,
freewriting. All with pictures and descriptions.

I'd have the kind of place that people would walk into and
say wow. Maybe it's not gonna be that nice apartment in
Oak Park. Maybe while I develop I'll keep all my cash
under wraps and then put down an offer for a loft. Their
only like 150K newly built. If I'm making a grand a week
that's definately doable.

I'd have a place to cuddle with my close... how to call
them... if I have a date, or if... let's just call him
Bob, comes over and it would make no sense for him to go
back home so far. I like sleeping with him. (I know that
sounds so bad but it's so not sex.) He's a good cuddler.
He'll totally hold on to you real tight all through the
night and not let you go. If you wake up and he's woken up
he'll kiss you and not want to let you go even more.
(Don't think the whole kissy thing is gonna be going on,
but who knows. We said no more of that, but I know he's
gonna wanna kiss me, and he's not the best, but I've
already been having those thoughts of, man I wish he were
kissing me right now. So we might end up friends with
benefits.) Tell you the truth I don't think I'd mind if he
would find a job somewhere in the city with then,and move
in with me. I wouldn't want him to pay rent either. The
place would be mine, and he'd just be there for company.
But I doubt he'd do that he likes his own space how he
likes it too, and wouldn't compromise. I don't blame him.
But he'd always be welcome at my place.

What I just really would like right now is a reward.
Financial mainly I guess. I've been working my butt off
when I worked comission with Primerica and loved every
minute of it, but since it was so developmental, it took a
while to see the results of my work. Good way to figure
out about working, and getting things done. I guess I
worked a lot, but didn't get things done. I had this
thought a few days ago that I meant to write in here. You
know how a lot of people say they work, and they work
hard? Not necessarily so. Just because you work, doesn't
mean you work hard, it just means you work. I worked hard,
but not hard enough. That's fine, it raised my standards.
But I am a little down. Financially I've got some spending
to do, and no money to do it with. That's what upsets me.
I think after 2 grand I'd be fine. That would pay off my
debts and catch up my closet, buy a digital cam, couple of
notebooks, jump drive, change my tires, and get lots of
memory for the electronics with an extra load of good
times.

On a jolly note, I really got into playing guitar. I've
been learning swell. I know 3 strings when it comes to
reading notes, and a few chords. I think I'm gonna make a
habit of practicing daily. That way I can improve on a
steady pace.

I've been trying to do some more self improvement stuff in
general. I like the idea, but consistency has been kicking
my butt. Every now and then something will come up that
will lead my schedule out of wack. Don't like that at all,
but it' like, what do you do then, do you change to fit
current disaster, lose sleep so you can get everything
done, or just miss a day that will lead to missing more
weeks and a give up overall that you'll have to restart
another time.

So here's the plan. Bob calls me every night and we talk
for an hour or two. Well, during this time, he's really
sleepy, so it's not like the most intriguing conversation,
but it's just really spaced out and layed back. This gives
me time to focus on other things. Last night when I was
talking to him the thought occured that I could multi task
with certain things... like stretching. That's a definite,
a given. I've been doing some guitar playing at the same
time as well, I should get a head set so that I can do
some more things with my hands, maybe I'll end up within
this whole time stretching, practicing with the sticks,
playing guitar, and perhaps something else.

Yeah, I wanna get in shape. It's a bit sad, since I dance
kinda in one direction I've developed 1/2 a 6 pack. I've
got all this muscle on my left, now I've gotta do that on
my right. This is through moving my hips in left circles
and never the right. Gotta change that now. So I'd be able
to do that at the same time, but I'm gonna get worked up,
so we'll see. I can practice my kicks and punches? Depends
what I wanna develop, right now I just wanna get in shape.

I'll end my blabber for now, thanks for listening. That
seems to be a load off of my chest, now off to homework,
but first let me put something warm on.

-Ciao


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