The First Tear

TEars: Good and Bad
2005-09-29 06:17:45 (UTC)

Suicide attempt?

Dear Diary

I flipped out totaly like a couple of hours ago and took
like 3 Lamictal and 2 lexapro and 2 hydrocoden things...or
whatever they're called. I'm feeling the ffects now. I
think I"m gonna try to keep typing until I cna't anymore.
I feel dizzy and I have a headache from hell. I dunno.

I was on the phone with Joey and freaked out. He sai dhe
just wanted to be friends still and whatever. I dunno. I
cried so hard and started screaming and just went straight
for the pill bottle. I just wanted him back. I still love
him so much. I think I"m absessed with him. He then said
that he didn't know if he wanted to be friends or not.
That's when I really REALLY lost it. I can't believe him!
I'm almost in tears now. Why? Why? I dunno. Atleast I
didn't cut myself. Right? Right.

So, I'm trying to decide if it was a suicide attempt or
what. Maybe it was. I know I wanted to die when I grabbed
the bottles. I know I did. I really and truly wantex to
die. Do I still? I'm not sure. I know I need to pray. I'm
afraid to go to sleep. Maybe i won't wake up.. Would that
a be a good thing? Possibley. I wonder if you go to hell
if you commmit suicde. Is that posssible too? I guess
anything's possible. I don't know, I jsut want Joey back.
I want him back more than anything.

Iwant Josh to call just I can bitch his ass out.

I'm itching. I'm feeling dizzy too. My head really is
starting to hurt. Too bad Grayson knows nothing. Tricia
and Zac do. maybe I should cll Zac. He seemed pretty
concerned. Good. yay! lol. I dunno. i thirsty too. Oh hey,
there's a bottle of crystal light right next to me. woohoo!
Yummy! That was tastey. I drank some.

Do I wanna die? Do I wanna die? Did I attempt suicide. Was
this a suicde attmept? How do I tell? I"m still typing
damn! Why am I still typing. I'm afraid to stop. What's
gonna happen? I'm scared. Grayson just scared the fuck out
of me! OH my good! She's leaving! Leaving! Gone! I"m
alone. I'm freaking out. My mind is racing and Iccan't
type fast enough. Holy hsit. Typos! lol. major major
typos. I'm really itching. Is that a bad thin? I wonder if
I might develope that life threatening rash that lamictal
gives some people. Cool. maybe. I just turned out the
light. Graysong's gong to bed. Neato. lol. I'm so fuckin'
itching.

Switch;i;ng paragraphs. I wonder if when I read this this
is gonna make sense. It makes sense to me now. I'm sure it
will. lol. Maybe when I let my daughter read this in the
futre I might edit this entry. I don't think Iwant her to
see me like this. Or read about me being like that. I
really should print out my diary entries. Ramble Ramble.
Door opening in the hallway. Cool. NOpe not Tricia. No
silent or quiet knock at the door. Cool. I'm thirsty
again. Yummy. More crystal light. I have energy. I'm
sleepy too. Weird.

So my parents are Charlotte. Why didn't they come see me?
huh? Why? Not fair. I wanted to see them. I want to see
Aiden. I don't wanna die. I wanna see Aiden. I'm starting
to cry. Oh my god. NO not crying. That'll waste my energy.
I'm dizzy. My wrists hurt and my head really hurts. I
wanna go to bed. I'm gonna be fine. I'm not even feelings
the effects I don't think. I'm fine really. I'll be just
fine. Yes ma'am or sir whatever you are. Off to bed now I
think. I have my firstcalss at 11 something. Gotta get my
outline done and essay turned in! AAAHHH Getitng up at
9:30 assuming I'm alive. Maybe I should I tell someone to
check on me in the morning. Yeah. I might. I dunno. I'm
off.

Love ya lots
Ashley




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