What can I say?
2005-09-28 04:27:10 (UTC)

way too busy for my own good...

so i never really have time anymore to do anything
whatsoever, but i guess i can try to take a few minutes to
write something here and relieve a little stress. so
basically my life right now is swamped with research,
classes, work, and trying to fit in friends and family in
there somewhere. i recently found out that pawpaw's
cancer has spread even more, which is really upsetting to
me. i can't imagine what i will do if things get worse,
he means so much to me, he's always been behind everything
i've done and i know he is so proud of me being in school
right now but it makes it hard being here and not being
able to be at home. i can't imagine him not being around
and seeing him when i go home, not to mention the fact
that i have no idea how mawmaw would handle being without
him. on a brighter note, matt did something so sweet
today, he sent me some beautiful orchids since he knew i
was feeling so down in the dumps. it really just made me
smile and almost made me cry (again!) that he was so
thoughtful. he can be so great like that sometimes, just
out of the blue makes me remember how much i love him. we
are going this weekend to cleveland to spend time with
palmer and kiersten so that should be a lot of fun and
will hopefully get my mind off of things.

it seems like life has just been so crazy sometimes.
everything just seems to be happening at once, lynz is
home in nc because of the hurricane, which was great
because i got to see her and amanda last weekend but it
sucks why she's home. i really did have such a great time
seeing those girls, made me realize how much i miss our
time at good ol' PK and living in Merner and New Hall. I
was just reading back through my old entries and lynz's
old entries and thinking about how much things have
changed. it's crazy to think that now everyone is getting
married after everything that we have all been through,
all the talking about these boys we care so much about and
worrying about if what we are doing is right and all
that. So funny to think about how the things we used to
worry about really aren't that much different, except now
the commitment is a lot more serious. im so glad to see
everyone so happy though. amanda and john's house was so
adorable, and it would definitely be great to move back to
NC and get to see them more. I just don't want to move
back in hopes that everything will be like it was in
college, because a lot has changed since then, even though
i still have the "i want to save the world" view.

so im still in limbo about what i want to do with my
life. some days all i want to do is pack up my car and
just head across the country and leave everything behind
me, start a new life and do whatever it is i think i want
to do, chase crazy dreams and what not. then i remember
that i do live in reality and that's not really possible.
there are too many things at stake to just take off and
escape, but at least i can dream about it. and maybe one
day i'll get away for a while, i keep thinking i want to
just disappear even for just a week so that i can collect
my own thoughts and figure out what it is i want out of
this life. just go hang out by a beach with no one except
for the dog and nothing to do except just think. heck
maybe i could write a book about that. i went and heard a
bunch of really great authors last week, walter mosely,
pat conroy, and tim o'brien, made me remember why it is
that i was an english major, that i love literature. one
of these days i would like to write something, just don't
see how that's possible with the life i've chosen. maybe
i'll fit it in there somewhere with saving the world and
teaching the youth of the future. haha.

so i was reading over lynz's entry that was about that
whole problem with jamie and that conversation, and i feel
so silly. i don't know why we wasted so much time on
stupid stuff like that, sure it hurt but i'm sure there
was truth to it and it's made me more aware of who i am
and how i come across to people. maybe i do act somewhat
pretentious and like i'm a know it all and that's
definitely not how i want to come across. i wish i knew
where she was right now so that i could talk to her
sometime. i went and saw her one night a couple of years
ago when she was doing SPEC at PU and it was really good,
we chatted for a couple of hours and it was just nice to
catch up with her and see how things were going. she has
so much potential, i hope she doesn't waste it. it made
me think about amanda too and how things have changed so
much between us. i really think the world of her and i
hope that we can spend more time together in the future to
get to know each other even better, because i think we
could get really close, especially if i move back to NC.
Also, i would really like to get to know palmer's wife
(isn't that crazy to say!) kiersten because she seems
really cool, we had a lot of fun at her bachelorette party
in FL and at the wedding. Plus i know that palmer and
matt are going to be buds for life so it's definitely time
to get to know her.

ok well that's enough for now, got to fix the resume for
tomorrow! woohoo...