read me

Another diary ...
2005-09-26 20:20:43 (UTC)

I'm Sick

I need to puke .. i need help .. but no one can/will
help .. so there ..

i'm sick of crying so heatedly and too much for two days
now it's giving me the worst headaches and my eyes are
just burning like hell .. i'm sick of getting frequent
thoughts of 'what if dad dies and i'll never get to see
him and it's just over' which just drive me nuts wherever
i am .. i get these thoughts an i just have to shake my
head and glare from the intolerable thought .. or i just
cry hysterically .. alone .. i'm sick of it ..i'm sick of
complaining all the god damn time and i'm sick of people
just listening to me and the fact that this is the best
anyone can do to help .. i'm sick of not having any
clothes anymore and having to chose from my rags to go to
uni .. i'm sick of not having any bras anymore and my maid
losing my socks .. i'm sick of
eating so much i can seriously watch myself getting
bigger .. i'm sick of how disgusting i am .. i just eat ,
cry and sleep now .. i'm sick of ditching college . i'm
sick of my mom . sick of my friends ..sick of how much
money i spend on cigarettes i smoke half of when even half
of that i smoke non willingly .. i'm sick of wasting my
savings on bullshit just because i'm not positive these
days .. i'm sick of my fucking nose and how it's running
all the time where it's usually a scene before i can get
my hands on some kleenex ..sick of how i always blow my
nose in the air coz i just wanna fucking breathe from my
nose and kleenex is no use most of the time .. sick of the
pressure it gives my head .. the mouth breathing all the
time .. the endless irrtating embarrassing loud
sneezing .. sick of my fucking braces where my teeth have
just started to space out again after three years of
bracing.. sick of my ugly boobs and how they never
change .. sick of the drak areas in my body that never go
no matter what i try .. sick of how when i stick it's the
worst odour ever whetehr sweat or breath or down there ..
sick of this fucking dying keyboard .. sick of
how much i have to stink so i'd realize i need to clean
myself .. i'm sick of my agony .. the depression i'm so
hangin on to .. i'm sick of the million things i know i
could do and tryina do non .. i'm sick of how stupid i am
at college everytime i try to hang around people who
cannot be any less welcoming .. why do i still keep
trying! i dun wanna feel the sharpness of the hostility
i'm in? i dun wanna make it official .. i'm sik of how
screwed up i'm getting and how i can see no solution ..
i'm sick of anything mom asks me to do .. i just won't do
it mainly coz she asks me! i'm sick of waking up ..

i just realised i love my daddy so much it's very
painful .. and i really might lose it soon .. i wanna see
him and hold him and hug him so tight and never let go of
him .., never allow him to do that to me again .. i keep
freaking out now about if he dies all of a sudden .. and
it KILLS me .. i love him so much i'm being a fucking
drama queen .. anything can get my tears running in a
heart beat now .. all i do now is anything that'll just
pass the time without my feeling the pain .. like
masturbating , watching sit coms and stupid movies and
trying smoking alone infront of the tv for the hundredth
time and realizing again that this doesn't work ... other
than eating and sleeping an checking out interesting stuff
that dun need much thinking on the net ..

i sooo dun wanna go to college tomorrow .. but i have no
choice ,my mom won't let me get away with that so another
hell could break loose . and if she does my lovely college
mates won't leave my concsience alone about it .. they'll
just freak me out as usual knowing that now i have alot
more to freak out about than before .. the more the good
grades record the heavier the burden gets..

Dear God , please bring my daddy back .. plz change the
state i'm in right now .. i'm in so much pain and u seem
like ur soooo mad at me .. i'm begging you .. please help
me .. please bring me back my dad .. please make him get
better .. please keep him ok and happy and alive for
me ... please god .. i love him so much .. i wish he
knew ..god i can't breathe .. i'm so fucking emotional and
sick .. i can not breathe ..

i'm glad i said this ..

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