Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
2005-09-26 17:47:52 (UTC)

Everything Is Temporary

I'm out of school again. I stayed up the whole night
crying, until eventually I threw up.

I don't understand anything anymore. I keep telling myself
things are going to be better once I start seeing my
therapist, but I know this is just my aliby.

It's devouring me, inside out.

Everytime I see her laugh, I want to destroy her. Kill her.
Cease her breathing once and for all, slit her wrists the
way she did mine. Cause her the pain she caused me. Watch
her bleed to death with a silent chuckle.

I want to destroy all her happiness, the way she has done
to me. I want her to hurt like me. I see her laugh, and I
cry. I cry because she laughs, because of this monster she
transformed me into.

I hear the word "loss", and argue that they have no ideal
what loss is. It's not true, but I like to think I'm alone
on this one, wrong I know.

Everyone's form of loss is diffrent, as I know. I lost ...
my figure of admiration. Of hope. Of joy. Everything to me,
and now the only voice he hears is through my prayers.

I can't look ... I can't look at a family member, and not
feel the sting of violation. I can't be brave, and
unafraid. I'm too weak for that. Too weak for triumph of a
petty fear, that no one must know.

I can't look at a stranger, and compulsively believe
they're a good person. After everything I've been through,
it's hard to look on the bright side, and see the best in
people.

Strangers ... Are potential pain. Potential hurt. Potential
devastation. Potential love, in which I am afraid.

And yet, the only prospect I figured was going right for
me, is the hardest yet. Unbelievable. It's so hard to hold
onto what isn't here.

I don't believe in giving up, I don't believe it exists.
There's no such thing. Everything is only temporary, this
life is too short to dwell on the past, and prior mistakes.

He got angry with me last night. Angry over something I
figured was no big deal, because it shouldn't be. The
thought of him upset with me, over something so small,
developed tension.

I was angry. Angry with him, for being upset. Break?
Something my mother suggested. And now, it's sounding quite
tempting.

A break not only from love, but from everything. From life.
Forget about everything for a while. Try to relive the
carefree world that was devoured by the pain from the sake
of having to grow up a step too fast.

As I said, nothing is permanent. Everything in this world
is only temporary. I'm not giving up, I'm giving in. Giving
in to what I need for once.

I'm taking back all I've given, and never received. I'll
ignore the anger towards the creator of my pain. Ignore
my "best freind" the chimera. Ignore the fact of Kevin's
death. Push love aside for the moment's time.

I'll focus on my studies. Hang out with my friends.
Just ... be a kid. I'll be a kid for a while. Sounds good
to me.


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