passnpalcechica1

Maggie Mae
2005-09-25 19:54:00 (UTC)

the switch...

Well, I've been a complete bum this weekend...or
rather...not a bum...just...I've taken it easy. I probably
shouldn't have, but I needed it. I must have, when I get
to a point where I can't even LOOK at a school book without
blanking out...I know it's time to sit back and rejuvinate
myself. I'm a person who is very much connected with her
surroundings, it's important to me, to my happiness, to be
able to enjoy nature. I think, because i use both sides of
my brain so much, for such drastically different
things...sometimes I have to just shut down one side of my
brain, and encourage the other. It's like...on my most
creative days...I couldn't do science if my life depended
on it without getting a headache, and on days when I'm on a
roll with science and math, my creative juices are backed
up and defunct. It's weird really, like, I can't use both
sides of my brain at once...either I'm having a right side
day, or a left side day, and I haven't found any rhyme to
it...so I can't very well predict which days are what.
Sometimes it's a problem, like if I have to many creative
days in a row, but I have science and math HW to do...it
can be difficult, but I find that generally it works out
pretty well.
I remember last year, my roommate at SJC sort of
resented the fact that i still got good grades even though
I would take entire days off from school work and just do
whatever struck me. I can't say it's a strategy of mine, I
just...allow myself to have art days and science days.
Instead of trying to force myself to be both in one day...I
just sort of..go with how I'm feeling that day. I've tried
to be both at the same time...and my life invariably falls
down around me in a glorious mess. Sometimes I can be both
in one day, say artistic in the morning and then scientific
at night, but never at the same time, and I usually have to
work at it to switch my brain fuction from one side to the
other. Sometimes I can even feel the switch, like there is
a litterall physical switch in my brain and I can feel it
disconnect from the right path and then switch and connect
with the left path. You're probably thinking it's all in
my head (LOL and I guess it technically is :-p ) but I
don't believe I'm imagining it. Sometimes (and I'm going
to get sort of 'out there' now so be fore warned) it's like
I, what makes me, what is me...my spirit maybe? am traped
in my head, and it's such a vast prision, but I don't know
my way around and I get stuck in one part of the maze, and
I can see where I want to go, and I know, KNOW I can get
there, but I'm stuck and I can't see how and I watch myself
(my physical entity) going through daily motions and making
subconcious decisions and I'm trying to tell myself...'over
there, that's where I want to go, I want to find the path
through this part of the maze why can't you help me?' and
it's like I (my physical entity) can't hear me...and I feel
so out of sync with my physical entity. Eventually I give
up, and turn around and follow the known path back, and I'm
connected with myself again and I don't feel so much like
I'm WATCHING my life through myself, but like I'm actually
living it...but at the same time, I KNOW there is so much
more in my head than the known path's that I use all the
time, and I just know, a sort of knowledge that has always
been there, that there is information there, things that I
do actually know..I just don't know how to access it. It
can be very frustrating, but for the most part I stick to
the paths that I do know, or have already figured out,
mainly because, since I know them, they are fast an
efficient. You've probably no idea what I'm talking about
unless you've been there, at that point in your head, where
you're stuck and you're just watching yourself...I think
most people have been there...they just haven't realized
that's what it is. I promise you I'm not crazy. LOL :-p
Well, I need to make a decision right now. I need to
decide if I'm going to attempt to trigger the switch, and
do some science/math HW and attend the study group tonight,
or if I'm going to put if off, just a little bit longer,
and take a walk and enjoy the beautifull fall day. I must
say that's the most appealing option right now. I think
that's what I'll do. There is still time in the day to
make the switch, If I really feel the drive to, but
honestly, if I don't do it now...I probably won't do it at
all today. And I think, if I indulge my creative side
today, to the point where I am completely satisfied, then I
will be ready to use the other side of my brain for the
rest of the week. :) I like how I use both sides of my
brain on a regular basis, it somehow seems primative, like
a type of ignorance, to only use one side when our brains
have so much thinking power and potential in them...it
seems like such a waste to only use one side. And
probably, because I think that, that's why I continue to
try to find my way through the unchartered areas of my
brain. :-p
Hope I didn't totally weird anyone out. :) Have a great
day all. TTYL.
~Mae




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