Soul Flares
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2005-09-25 01:22:14 (UTC)

untold shame no more

I told Tommy, I didn't want to, and yet; I wanted to tell
him so badly that I just couldn't NOT tell him. SO I did. I
told him that I cut myself, and that I did it again. He's
the only one who knows that I've done it again, and the only
one that will. It was a moment of weakness that made me tell
him, and I won't have anymore. I don't feel obligated to
tell anyone else, and I can't explain exactly why I felt the
need to tell him.

I guess it had something to do with, the first time I told
Him about my cutting, the first thing he asked was why. No
one had ever asked me it before. Second, he acutally seems
to care . . . however hard it is for me to believe, he
really does seem to. Also, that I guess since he was the
only one that asked why . . . maybe, just maybe he'd be the
one who could help me. Cori can't, and neither can Kiki, and
although I THINK Amber knows I never really told her, and I
don't want to. so I feel like he's the only one I can turn to.

It's not just that he asked why though, I mean he's ALWAYS
asking. He seems genually there for me, because if I ever
seem upset he asks me what's wrong. If I don't feel well and
it shows, he asks me. He always asks and even if I don't
want to answer, it really does mean a lot that he asks. I
hate it, and yet really appreciated it. I feel like I need
someone that's there for me, but I don't want one, because
needing one means I'm not strong enough to handle it on my
own, and I hate that. Only that maybe I can't . . . since I
cut myself again, maybe; as much as I LOATHE admitting it,
maybe I can't handle it alone, maybe, just maybe, I do need
help; and maybe Tommy can help me. Maybe.