read me

Another diary ...
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2005-09-24 06:58:04 (UTC)

Fabulous Procrastinator

I'm in no-discipline mode now. couldn't get to wake up fr
college today , i'm still going but seriously ditching is
just not how i wanted to start. why is it that i just have
to fail myself in everything. i had a secret plan to start
wearing the elastics so i can stop getting the "when are u
taking ur braces off" question i'm so tired of , start a
secret light diet , go to college and get involved , start
seeing when i can begin training with mom , start brushing
my teeth more often! and showering more often! and taking
more fucking care of my self all over .. but it's just
like me to be the bum i am making up brilliant excuses to
spare myself whatever i should do that takes some
effort ..

i have finally gone through the agony of combing the web i
had on my head , doing my eyebrows and removing that
hideous moustache i'd developed .. it was so painful and i
wanted to postpone just out of dread even though
everyone's starting to give me advice on how i should
remember that i am a girl! now my circum-oral area isn't
black anymore so i guess it was worth it ..

every plan i start to get excited about falls apart
immediately now which is partly good so i wouldn't be
excited for a long time like with the magazine .. these
days the plans were : 1- to send nawal el saadawi the darn
book i'm writing .. after realizing it's a fucking
biography and yesterday when the guy said he was sure he
heard her say things that meant she didn believe in god i
dunno why i'm kinda off writing that letter .. 2- lately
we went to fady's flat .. and we realized it's not
suitable for human use .. it's dusty like a dead person's
appartment , full of dusty papers , books and cds
scattered EVERYWHERE , hardly any place to sit loads of
bits and pieces of old furniture covered by a clear layer
of black old dust .. horrible bathroom and kitchen . and i
think i made my contempt very clear with that snub
attitude i gave the second i stept foot in the flat.
complaining about every single thing like a refined
bitch . especially the heat . then i felt bad about this
and started thinking of how we can turn this flat into a
reall cool place for him and we can get to hang out there
after that and save ourselves the cafes' money .. i told
lobna and she got extremely excited , she loves stuff like
that .. now we're planning the make over and i expect a
paralyzing obstacle to appear soon the way my luck is
going ..
3- go to college and change my fucking strategy with
education and dieting as i mentioned above .. so far there
are no proofs for that labour ..
4- saving the once 700 now 550 till i exchange the 10
euros i still have on me because i'm to lazy to go and do
it .. and looks like everytime i feel like paying any
money for anything i won't think twice ! this saving up
plan looks like going down like everything else and that
will be just the end of me ..
5- telling the group about the salad bar when i already
dun have that much excitement for it anymore , it's a bit
far fetched to mention now ..
6- sucking up to mom.. i'm on and off with that ..
provoking her and taking any chances to snap at her very
often .. she's going through some serious shit these
days .. the most important nurse in the clinic has proven
to be a stupid theif and there was this incident about 6
months ago when someone stole a 100 pounds out of mom's
purse and when she questioned all the nurses that worked
at that time she concluded it had to be the new one and
she accused her of it and kicked her out . that girl ,
says mom , cried so heatedly and told mom she won't
forgive her and that god will show her one day who the
real theif is .. and so it was , two days ago
coincidentally mom catches the little weasle after she'd
stolen 250 pds and forged my mom's signature so
obviously .. mom couldn't sleep thhinking of that other
nurse she'd wrongfully accused . i feel for her .. i also
provoked mom when i said i sympathize with the theif
one .. i dunno why i really do .. she's so petite and very
smart at work .. she seems to be having the worst living
conditions ever .. i pity her having to trip herself into
another ditch when it's all already going wrong .. then
again u never know if any of it is true .. and mom's only
talking about her like she's a serious criminal .. i gues
the fact that i worked with them and befriended them for
almost a month made me automatically sympathize with
her .. but doing something so unepectedly sneaky like that
gave me the feeling she also could have criminal psyche
and could murder mom if she loses it when she realises
she's busted and it's all over! that may be too carried
away , i watch many movies lately ..

which reminds me .. fady's got the hugest amounnt of cd's
i've seen anyone posses .. he's probably got loadsa good
movies .. and his music , my god! beautiful .. i really
wish that house make over thing'll work .. i love that
guy .. i hope he doesn't get offended when i make those
blunt remarks about his house or his religon or
whatever .. when i get used to people sometimes i get
blunt at the expense of their feelings :/

last thing i wanna say right now is that i've got this
feeling like a knot in my stomach ever since tarek , my
bro , mentioned dad yesterday and how he's got serious
chronic bronchitis now .. i mean my brother seems like he
likes doing this to me so i kinda feel it's like everytime
they say dad's got something so i didn get excited .. i am
afraid though , even if he hadn told me that i'm still
afraid.. i miss him so fucking much it really fucking
hurts .. i love him so much ..

God must be seriously mad at me .. i'm no place near where
he wants me i assume .. but i'm still asking you god ..
PLEASE BRING ME BACK MY DADDY .. please make things
alright again .. make them bearable .. plz god ..


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