Billwilson

Recovery of a Sex Addict
2005-09-13 15:02:32 (UTC)

7 weeks of sexual sobrity

this is almost the longest I have been sober. When I came
into SA last may/june... I was really afraid, I had just
got caught at work by a coworker in a sexual explicit
chatroom. All of a sudden the lust that I had been trying
to keep in this box, hidden from the world, spilled out
into my life, I was embarresed, she knew I was married.
anyway I came to SA because I had a friend who was going
to these meetings and was having a problem with internet
porn, and so I asked him where they were and he told me.
I stayed sober out of fear the first 2 months. In to the
second month I was feeding the lust by looking at women
and looking at pictures of women on the internet. not
full blown porn but more like soft core. like I would be
able to get away with that. I couldnt and I sliped after
2 months and 1 day. after that I made it 1 month and after
that I couldnt stay sober more than a couple of weeks. I
started this diary in the middle of alot of slipping.
anyway.
I had another dream last night.
I was hangning out with this beautiful girl and I was
trying to hook up with her. but she was in a
relatinship. I could tell she wanted to get together with
me but she also didnt want to. I was trying to get closer
to her, but she kept pushing me away. no real sex in my
dream just the idea of cheating. I woke up and got on my
knees this morning and tryed to surreneder lust, also I
have been trying to surreneder this old idea that there is
something out there in a another woman that will fix me.
I need to abandon the idea that another woman is the fix.
I think this old idea needs to be cast out. I am just not
sure how I grow past it. when I sat down here at the
computer I wanted to check out something exciting on the
internet. something that would feed my lust, but I am
not going to. I want to stay sober. I want sexual sobrity


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