Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
I've been feeling ... different lately. I just ... I'm
feeling the two voices argueing in my head again. Like
One telling me to be rational about this. Telling me it's
not worth it, and telling me my true feelings. I don't
want to die ...
But the other one is being compulsive ... obsessive. It
scares me ...
I don't really understand it. I know it sounds like a
dismal half assed excuse, but it's true.
It scares me. I have complete control over ... half of my
actions. I'll find myself clutching a razor and almost out
the door towards the over pass. And then I catch myself
and sink to the floor in tears.
This has happened before. I thought it was all over. I
thought after everything evened out, it'd all be okay.
But here I go with the compulsive death thoughts. I trust
myself not to do anything ... But can I really trust
myself at all?
It started a few days ago. I woke up, and my closet opisit
me was open wide, revealing a beautiful yet simple black
dress. And I started thinking about how that would be the
perfect dress to die in.
I'm not unstable. Not again.
I want revenge. Revenge against the one who caused me all
this greif, who caused the ones I love all this pain. I
want revenge, and I'll get it on monday.
I want an apology. A proper apology for all she put me
through. What she made me put Nik, Brennan, and my mother
through. She's going to pay.
I crave to see her blood because of a wound I created. And
I'll see it if I don't get an apology. I'm sick of this
shit. I'll cause her the pain she made me cause everyone
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