lee_the_messed_up_punk

my #ucked up life
2005-09-10 05:22:48 (UTC)

letter from ter

12:10am Saterday

I got an email from Ter today that made me real happy
and shocked me at the same time. It was just nice to know
that she thinks the same way about me as I do her. She
said that she was scarred to send it to me but I'm so glad
she did or I'd still be battling with my feelings.

This is it in full...

My Lee,
That's not a proclamation of ownership, it's just what i
say in my head about people i deeply care about. I got it
from my neice, she called me "my Ter" once and it made
perfect sense. i've decided to write you a letter because I
wanted to express myself before I explode. The simplest
thought of you is like a drug pumping through my veins.
Sometimes it feels like it will drive me mad or lift my
body into a divine ecstacy. Then my chest tightens when i
realize one of the most amazing people I've ever met is
untouchable. I hope this doesn't scare you, the way I feel
I mean. It's satisfying just knowing there are good people
out there like you. You and your mom's existance gives me
hope that humanity hasn't strangled the angelic nature out
of every human being. I could devote a lifetime for a cause
like that.. looking back I think I was meant to be there
with you then. If I wasn't there... It's petrifying just
thinking what that satan pill could have drove you to do.
It really hurts knowing that no one will ever truely know
what it put you through. All I wanted to do while I lied
there with you on that third night was become a pure entity
of healing and engulf you in it. I prayed for anything to
intervene.. You are my friend and my mentor and I don't
know if you'll ever comprehend what you gave me in that
blissful week we spent together. Sorry my Lee withdrawls
are kicking in.. hahaa I wish I could purr because that's
what you did to me. I can't decide if your eyes were more
angelic when they swirled with ideas and thoughts...
projecting a light outwards while entrapping the whole
universe into them or when you smiled and looked into my
eyes... This one is more difficult to explain because it
was like i wanted to look forever but the feeling of purity
in your eyes was so overpowering I'd look away..
immediately regretting that I'd look away from you. It
brought back that so familiar feeling of shame. I've always
been ashamed, I don't what I did but I know that being me
is enough to be ashamed. I've been losing faith in my
abilities for a long time... My intelligence, femininity,
compassion for others, and if there ever was any.. talent.
When I was there nothing mattered and I could just be. I
didn't want to disapear for awhile. Have everyone
completely forget about me, in a way I did disapear. i
never existed to them because they barely existed to me
while i was there. I should be patient though some day no
one will know i ever existed, it comes in death and the
years that follow it. I can't believe what im saying to
you, I don't want you to not like me after this it makes me
nervous that it might but im gonna send this to you
anyways. It's just that your one of the few people who i
think understands me or at least tries to understand me and
doesnt want me to fuck off so they can enjoy they're
selfish indulgences while i try to pour my heart out to
them. Choking back tears because people are cruel. They
don't deserve my tears anymore. Tears are beauty and mine
have been ridiculed and shunned and worst of all ignored
for far too long. Maybe I should cry for the sinner.. but
the sin has become so common it has no one to cry for it.
It's like im carrying the dying man to water and we reach
it while he laps it in his hands to his mouth. My mouth is
chapped but by the time ive carried everyone thirsty to the
water im exhausted and collapse. But who will carry me?
Everyone is so overjoyed they're alive they can't bother to
look back. And that's where I always am.. in the
background.. waiting. Always waiting. The phone call, the
knock, the whisper. The dial tone.. the vacancy.. the
silence always answers me. And here I am complaining about
my life. Pathetic. Lifes what you make of it right? Thats
what Ive always been told. What about when your handed
playdough and asked to make the statue of David. i mean
lemons with lemonade thats not too hard is it? If only my
mind could be warped into the drones of the media and
conformity. Maybe there can be a numbing blissfulness in
that. That maybe not caring for the truth and beauty in the
sky and wanting to buy a prada purse of impress people with
blonde hair will satisfy me. That I could marry someone who
loves my advertisements because hes been brainwashed buy
corporations to love it. Maybe then I could be happy. The
ugly truth is much better in a sense. Harder to deal with
but delicate like holding a dying baby bird in your hand.
You want to hold it tight to keep it warm.. if you hold it
too tight though youll crush it just like faith. Faith in
people.. in chances of something better. Always left with
the disapointment of something mangled but a natural part
of the universe. The truth that without these things that
seem wrong nothing would seem right. Thats exactly how i
feel.. Wrong for feeling right. I'm gonna stop now for you.
Its getting kinda long and i dont even know where my minds
gone now. This went way offtrack then what i intended but i
just wanted to say things to you. So there they are.Things.

Ter





Ad: