Cokepop for the Smartnessment
2005-09-09 05:43:44 (UTC)

Message to Kayla...

which I'm gonna use as my entry since its late and I have
school tomorrow. WHOOT. And I haven't been on the comp for
quite awhile but if I get a chance to tomorrow I'll tell
you why. Well basicly its because Grant's come over every
day after school and well we've pretty much been spending
lots of time together. So anyways...
School's been ok. Physics I might be dropping due to
me being not smart and stupid so yes. And its slightly
hard. And drama's pretty fun. And math makes me wanna cry.
Honestly. Doing it the second time around is
easier...waaay easier. But things are going REALLY slow
and like frick. It just makes me wanna scream. Annnd
Chems' kinda hard but I gotta stick with it.

So now for my message to Kayla...

kayla this is because i love you lots.

and it sorta seems as though you could perhaps use a laugh
since things are kinda alll screwed up and whatnot now
curtousy of me. but i would like you to know that jacqui
and i talked tonight and cleared some stuff up. so its not
all intense now.
i just thought i should let you know that.
and about adjusting to changes and everything? yeah you're
not the only slow one. i'm pretty darned slow too.
probably slower than you. which is why that now all of a
sudden (ok i know you don't wanna talk about this but i
dunno. maybe this will help me sort some things out...)
with grant...urgh. well like i dunno its so wierd. because
i'm used to liking guys and having nothing ever happen and
them never like me back. and then with grant something did
happen and MAYBE he likes me too but maybe not. because
after all in mexico on the way down he were holding hands
and whatnot and then he was all over everybody else and i
was so confused. and so now i dunno. its wierd because now
i actually have to straighten out my feelings and figure
things out- which i'm not used to because before it would
just be a crush and nothing would happen so there wouldn't
be anything much i'd have to think about.
and now i don't even know about alex either. about whether
i just like him as a good friend or as more than a friend.
like last thursday after the fireworks and whatnot i dunno
i wasn't sure anymore.
i dunno i'm just such a screwed up kid. i can never figure
things like that out. but i think its just because i'm
scared to mess up and i'm scared to get hurt. so i confuse
the crap outta myself and don't take chances and that way
nothing happens.
and i wish i could know my own heart. wow do i ever. but
like i said before. its pretty much really wierd for me
because guys never like me as anything more than a friend
and i just don't do anything about my crushes because i
don't see much of a point.

but yeah. i dunno on either tomorrow, or saturday night
i'm taking a long walk and i'm gonna try to think things
through and figure out what the heck is up with me.
because i never ever seem to know. and knowing actually
helps with things. and so it'd be a good thing for me to
actually figure myself out.
but so far i've kept my promise. and the wierd thing is
that its been hard for me. urgh.
and about how do you get how people can like people
without really knowing them- well you see...all the people
i've ever liked...i actually did sorta know them. i'd
talked to them and i knew some stuff about them. like i
wasn't best friends with any of them ever but we did talk
and whatnot- and that was when i liked them. but that was
because you don't know them extremely well and so you only
see their good qualities and whatnot and you like that. so
i dunno. its kinda hard to explain but that's how its
pretty much been for me. but yeah i told annette tonight
that my plan of action was to get to know alex and grant
better and to see what happens then. because i know for a
fact that i wouldn't let myself get into a relationship
with barely knowing the person. it could happen
spontaniously and if i'm stupid...which is possible- but
it would totally be against my better judgement.
lol and i love how you came up with the whole "liking the
idea of somebody" thing. because its totally true. and
maybe that is all it is for me. because i've never ever
had a boyfriend before and so i of course do like the idea
of having one.
but its kinda different this time than any other time. but
yes. i'm not gonna do anything but get to know people
better. and that's my new plan and i'm not breaking that
plan and too bad for stupid guys if its not good enough to
wait and get to know each other better because then they
are totally not worth it anyways. so HA. and then you
totally get to know everything about them too. good and
bad. so yes. i'm gonna shut up now because i know you
really don't wanna read this and hear about all this crap
again. so i do apologize.
and i want you to know that i love you tonnes and that
you're an amazing friend and you've totally stopped me
from doing some really stupid things, that i'd later
regret, since i met you. so yes.

its officially 'tell you're friend how freaking amazing
they are' day because well-yes. you for sure are. like
wow. i don't even know where i'd be without you and i'm as
glad as hell that you didn't move away because i really
don't think i could have dealed with that. especially
after mexico and everything. actually just the other night
i was thinking about mexico and on the way back and how we
went to that iga or sobeys or whatever it was in
lethbridge to phone your parents and then you were like
(whoa just had a mind blank) "st george" (i really don't
know what its called. that place in bc that SUCKS because
it almost took you away.) and i was honestly just crushed.
and i never wanted that bus ride to end because the second
it did everything would be different. and everything
really was different. did you notice that? i dunno lots of
things changed for me when and since we got back. but
yeah. i'm so glad you didn't move away and the other night
when i was thinking about it i was trying to imagine my
life with you gone and it just being me and katie and let
me tell you it was the most depressing thing ever and i
actually cried. it was just that pathetic.
so yes. don't ever think you're nothing because you for
sure are definately not. because without you and katie
life would suck. and we wouldn't be as cool as we are.

so now i'm done and im' tired and i'm gonna go to bed, but
i just thought that i should tell you how awesome you are
because you've had to listen to all my crap recently and
you've always been there for you and i don't think i've
ever actually told you just how much i appreciate
everything you've done for me. so thank you!!!!!!

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd FLOP! haha goodnight!

love forever and always, nicole

So yes. That was it. Kinda creepy at the end, but
whatever. It was mostly just me trying to figure out
feelings and whatnot. And I figured some stuff out about
Alex that I should probably quickly jot down so I don't
forget. So yes. Tonight after youth he drove me and Jacqui
home and well actually he drove us to Jacqui's because I'd
said to drop me off there and I could walk the rest of the
way. And Jacqui was all "No don't do it there's creepers
and what if something happens" - which could totally be
possible. I mean like you never know. But so anyways I got
out of his car then with Jacqui and walked home and he
drove by me and didn't try to fight my on it or anything.
He didn't be all "ok no that's not happening I'm driving
you home." And I dunno. That can be a really good thing.

Because like he doesn't force me to do things. He respects
that I'm old enough to make my own decisions and do what's
right for me. And he doesn't try to fight me on it. I'm
sure that if I was gonna do something really stupid maybe
he would but well yeah. Although I could have gotten raped
or something walking home. But no. haha there wasn't even
anybody else on the path. And thanks to the northern
lights I could actually see that there was nobody at all.
lol. But yeah. So the good thing about him not forcing me
to do stuff is that if I ever did get into a relationship
with him then he wouldn't force me to do something I
didn't want to do. So that's always a really good thing.
But then again- it would have been kinda nice for him to
be like "no I'm driving you home because I don't want to
risk anything happening to you" because then it would have
shown that he really does care. But I dunno. It can be
read both ways. So for that quality of his- there's pros
and cons and they pretty much weigh evenly. So I dunno.

But for sure I'm gonna get to know people better and make
stronger friendships (especially with guys I'm interested)
because then I'll know what they're really like and there
won't be so many suprises. And reading between the lines
and figuring things out is always good. So yes one of my
plans is to just get away from people for awhile and be by
myself. So for sure Grant is not coming over after school
tomorrow and I am not going to his house. Maybe next week
because I would actually like to see his house. But we
don't have to be with each other every second of every
day. So yes. I should get off to bed now...especially
since I didn't really do any homework. Hehe.