Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
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2005-09-06 04:52:50 (UTC)

Dear Mom

Mom, I pray to god I'm in school when you get this. If
not, we won't discuss any of it untill I get home.

I love you, you know that. You said I could always come to
you no matter what ... I need you now.

Okay, Chris confided in me the other night, and I've been
scared senseless ever since.

I confided in him too, so that he didn't feel awkward. He
knows two things that you don't and I'd rather you hear
them from me.

First off: Kevin is 18. Or he was anyways. We met through
a freind of mine, and we started hanging out.

He's been to this house before, used to climb up the TV
attena, and in through that window.

I've snuck out of the house with him, to go to a party
before. And I'm sorry. I can't express the regret I've
felt ever since.

I was afraid. Kevin was my best freind, and I didn't know
what you would think about me hanging out with an 18 year
old guy. And I'm sorry.

But I need you now, I just pray that you can forgive me
for ... being a lying little whore. Heh.

When I was 11, a family member molested me in my sleep.
Chris ... I had no idea, until he told me last night.

And he said he's had a crush on me, and was thinking
sexual thoughts about me a few days ago.

And mom, I know he's suicidal. And he has been for a

I'm just being stupid though, I just got off the phone
with Nik, and I balled my eyes out.

I'm afraid. Chris asked me to flash him on MSN tonight,
and later he said it was a joke, but I don't think it was.
And he knows about the scars, and he's seen them before,
but he wanted to come to my room and look at them.

I'm making a big deal out of something small. I know.

I just want you to know, but you CAN'T talk to him about
it. You have to promise me ... I wouldn't forgive you ...
Promise me ...

I'm just afraid. It can't happen again ... This is the
second time I've felt this way, before something really
bad happened.

Mom, I love you. Not only as a mother ... But as my best
freind. As a sister. As ... someone who's there for me.

I don't know what to do, but we'll discuss it once I get

He'll kill himself if you send him back to his dad's now.
I know he will. So you can't, I'd be ... responsible.
Killing another person.

I'm sorry I lied ... I'm sorry. I'd say it a thousand
times, if only it would make a difference.

Look at me! I'm crying like a baby. God, I'm pathetic.
Talk to me, before you say a word to Chris. Please ...

I'm just afraid. It's happened to me before ... A few
times now. And ... I don't want it to happen again.

It's late, and I'm making more out of this, then what it

I'm so sorry. I love you mom. Goodnight ...

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