ShadowDawn

aRegretfulSerenity
2005-09-05 01:14:19 (UTC)

abusive friendship

i have never before been so emotionally torn up all at
once. im angry, im hurt, im sad, but i still care, still
love, still cant let go.
thank god for subconscious defense mechanisms. most of my
emotions have slipped into a coma for the most part. they
still occassionally kick to life for a little while, but for
the most part i can still function and pretend to be happy.
after the first initial shock and break down, everything
went numb. even literally. the blood seemed foreign. not
mine. i didnt understand why the wall kept getting redder
and redder each time i hit it.
by now the wounds are almost healed, but the rest of me is
scarred.

why?
why did she do this to me?
why did she lie to me?

from the begginning i always knew she could do this, but i
never once thought she would. it was never about a
friendship. it was never about the two of us to her. it was
only about her. only about how i made her happy. as soon as
i became an inconvenience to her, she drops me. puts me on
the "backburner."
friendship isnt a part-time job.
this was the last straw. i finally said no more. i now
realize i was trapt in an abusive friendship. never thought
such a thing even existed. but ive been left hurt, abused,
emotionally raped, and left for dead. the worst part is, i
kept going back for more. im so disgusted with myself.
i used to hear stories about people caught in abusive
relationships where they were beat, abused, and never
measured up. the other always blamed them, they believed it,
and begged for forgiveness. i always thought how stupid they
were. why didnt they just leave? why did they always go back
when it was obvious they shouldnt?
it wasnt until now i realized i was just like them. it may
not have been a relationship, it may have been just a
friendship, but that doesnt make it less painful. just fewer
visible marks. but im so disgusted with myself for becoming
on of them. another stupid girl.

why did i keep going back?
why did i still care after all the pain?
why did i beg for forgiveness when i KNEW i was never at
fault?
why did i believe her when she said she loved me?
why did i ever trust her?

i was never good enough, but i tried. i always fucked up in
her eyes, but i tried. i never loved enough, but i tried. i
did everything she asked of me, like a faithful little
bitch, and i was never perfect enough for her.
it was always about HER. how SHE felt. how i made HER
feel. how i hurt HER. i always tried pleasing HER. i never
asked her to please ME. i didnt try to change her just so i
could feel good about my life. it never occured to her she
wasnt always the only victim in life. she wasnt the only one
hurt, and she was never the one hurt the most.
but i didnt matter.
it always about how bad her life is. its always about how
everyone else is fucking it up for her. it was always about
how i made it worse. how i could never do it rite. how i
always failed.

and i still went back. everytime. begging on my knees.

i still loved her the most a best friend ever could. it
wasnt enough. she never saw my efforts, or never wanted to.
i was so loyal to her, but she pointed the finger at me
everytime.

and i still loved her. i still tried my hardest.

but it was the last straw, and ive finally opened my eyes
and saw how she was playing me. a finger puppet for her self
esteem.
i dont know whats sadder. the fact that i let her
manipulate me, or the fact that i still care about her.
the other day she broke down. i saw her crying outside. i
guess all the pressure got to her. i was walking back to me
dorm when i saw her crying on her knees. i wanted to badly
to run to her, hug her, tell it was gonna be okay. i saw her
crying and it hurt me inside. it made me sad seeing her
upset. i wanted so bad to comfort her, but i knew she
wouldnt have done the same for me. i walked rite by. i had
to fight the tears.

i know she thinks i left her. no. YOU left ME. i was no
longer making you happy like you wanted. so dont go crying
about how u were betrayed.

this is what you wanted.
a life without me.

"i want to be happy. you make me not so." so why are you so
sad? youve gotten rid of me. you had no use for me anymore
and tossed me aside. dont claim I hurt YOU. months of
ignoring me, no speaking, no eye contact. putting everyone
else in front of me and then turning to me and calling me
your "best friend." a best friend wouldnt leave me to die. a
best friend wouldnt treat me like a toy to be played with at
her own leisure.

this is what you wanted.

so be fucking happy youre finally rid of me. i was only
bringing you down anyways, isnt that rite? i was getting in
youre way. dont put on a face and pretend your hurt. dont
pretend I left YOU. i didnt put you on the backburner.

this is what you wanted.

your finally free of me. you can finally be happy now, rite?
you can finally stop pretending you care about me. its
obvious you didnt. best friends dont carry on a friendship
only when its convenient to them. thats called manipulation.
so now im gone. hows life without me? is it everything you
dreamed it would be?

no?

but this is what you wanted, isnt it?


be careful what you wish for. you might just get it.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Best friends are the only ones we let close enough to us to
backstab us in the place it hurts the most." ~me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i miss what i thought we had.
with all my heart, i miss who i thought she was.

im so alone.




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