Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
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2005-09-02 22:41:27 (UTC)

Dad.

The water pump isn't working ... And they all want me to
help. I can't help ... I'm useless.

I'm depressed, and extremely weak. I don't know why ...
perhaps it's lack of food.

Mom and dad were argueing earlier ... Dad was being
stupid. Not that I favour mom over dad ... But sometimes
it's as if I don't exist to him.

Yesterday in the car, he said something about not liking
me and mom hanging out? Okay ... I'll just slowly fade
away from the family, and they'll never have to see me
again.

He said something about mom being a grandmother, and me
getting pregnant. Do I really come off as that kind of
person? ... Have a little faith in me dad ...

But then ... Look at me. Look at my wrists, my appearence,
my body, my choices, my grades, my intelligence ... My
life. Years of wrong choices and bad desiscions.

I guess he assumes what's normal ... That I'm going to be
some fifteen year old high school drop out ... Rocking a
baby to sleep every night.

I may be irresponsible ... But it hurts a little knowing
my father thinks that about me as well as I do.

Dad, how can you judge me? You barely know me! At all ...
you never took the time to ...

All my life ... Everything ... There's nothing I felt I
could tell you, without a disapointed reaction.

I just ... Maybe I'll become a famous artist ... Maybe
then I could make you proud. Then and only then ...

I've never heard an "I love you." Or "I'm proud of you,
kid." Never. NEVER!

I know we have nothing in comon, and this is why we're far
apart ... but ... would it kill you to try? Try to know
me? Just a little?

But whatever, it's not like it matters. I just ... Wish I
could make you proud of me. Something I'll never be able
to do.

I just ... I remember your face when Justin won his Grade
eight award. You were so proud ... I have yet to see that
face for me ...

But who am I kidding? There's nothing I'm better then
anyone at ... But I shouldn't have to be.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not pretty enough, smart enough,
wise enough, sly enough, devious enough, artistic enough,
literate enough ... I'm sorry I'm not ... perfect.

So you sir, have no right to say I'm going to be pregnant
at this tender age.

Perhaps if you knew me, you could make that assumption.
But you don't ... You don't try ... And you don't care. So
whatever, if you don't care, then I won't either.

I was never Daddy's little girl, and I'm not sure if I
ever want to be.

Mom, if you read this ... Don't assume that I hate my
father. I'm just depressed, and sick. I'm fed up with
everything -.-. I'm sorry.


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