My River Within
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2005-08-31 03:10:05 (UTC)

well its been awhile but id..

well its been awhile but id thought id write a thing or 2
here. i just sent in an application to be a police officer
and hopefully that will come threw evrything else has let me
down. i went to a party the other night which my brother
invited me 2 which were basically his friends, and just
aquantances of mine, which is really the bottomline. Even
though i find myself hypracritically posing as a close
friend to some of them when im around them, which i dont
know why. I see now why my brother is the way he is , i see
his friends and they are the same, indeed what one my
fathers quotes is very true "tell me who your friends are,
and i will tell you who you are". I dont care for most of
them much to be honest. i just see them as an annoying
extension which deep down of me still resides that of my
brother. i wish i didnt feel that way, but i do. finally
spoke to my father on the phone and im glad i got to talked
to him , im gonna be seeing him later on this week. im glad
i got over telling him evrything thats goin on with me on
the phone then having to do it in person. i told him about
the police officer thing and he told me that that was good,
and that made meant so much to me to hear him say that. so
when i see him i can just concentrate on spending time with
him,its just easier for me.evrytime im around him i feel
like i have so much to live up to, and that he expects so
much out of me with evry thing i do and every second that im
alive. its like i feel like i have ton of bricks on my
shoulder when im around him ,not always wanting to
dissapoint him. the truth is thats why i dont go see him as
much anymore, i love him to death as a man and a father. but
im the problem maybe, that im not able to deal with
pressure when im around him. hes getting old and i wish i
could spend more time with him, but i know the situation
with me and my feelings will always be there even if its not

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