2005-08-30 23:19:42 (UTC)

redemption in dreams

i had some epic dreams last night. i'll try to retell them.

the first dream, i believe, was where i was exploring with
a female friend. i don't believe she was necessarily a
girlfriend, but a friend nonetheless. she reminded me of
someone in high school who knew me better than i knew her.
anyway, we were exploring on the edge of buildings off a
cliff, almost like a video game. after that, we walked
back, and she put her head on my shoulder. i thought to
myself, i can finally forgive myself, because back when
school started, a female friend rested her head on me
while she was sleeping in class. now, a friend of mine was
all about believing women liked jerks, and he was always
pressuring me to act like a jerk. well, i was in a tight
space, divided between my own natural kindness and this
pressure to be heartless, so i tried out his way and
bumped her head off. needless to say, this was a
ridiculously awful decision. now, in my last entry, this
was the memory that was being drilled into my head
unusually hard. it happened months ago, and yet for those
few weeks, that memory kept on killing me. so back to my
dream, i forgave myself, because this memory had taught me
a lesson, and i allowed this friend to rest her head on my
shoulder. i felt forgiven. perhaps this is the key.

take action to visibly show that i've learned a lesson
through my mistakes. instead of regret and shame, i need
to use my subconscious. i need to listen to it in an open
and student-esque manner. why is my subconscious so
hellbent on making me feel shameful? maybe to teach me
lessons and make me stronger. the memories will continue
to haunt me until i can prove ive learned a lesson. this
is my way of redemption. proving that im a better person.
proving im getting stronger. using this pain as motivation
to become better. if i make a mistake, the pain will last
until ive proved ive changed.

hopefully this method will be permanent. all my other
methods of therapy have worked to a degree, then ran of
steam. what's unusual about this is that it was in a dream
that i found my answer. my subconscious, my enemy, showed
me the answer. i guess i'll give it a shot. what's also
funny is that i prayed for forgiveness of all my mistakes
because of a few other events that happened yesterday.
more evidence that all of my prayers come true.

well, the second dream probably wasn't that prophetic.
someone was complaining of going deaf because of the
airport next to his neighborhood. i saw, from a bird's
view angle, riding his dirtbike quite fast around the
neighborhood. i followed him soonafter, going of course
much slower and unstably. he crossed the railroad tracks
to get to the airport, but as i was trying to catch up, i
felt i was in too high of gear, and going too slow. i
wanted to shift down, but forgot how too, since i had been
driving stick shift in his car for so long. so, i barely
made it past the first tracks (there were 2), but stopped
between them because 2 trains were coming. i got very low
on the ground, because for some reason, i thought than the
lower you are to the ground, the harder it is to be
affected by its wind generated or get sucked under (this
may be true). so i lied flat, gripping nearby rocks. i got
up after the trains left, then realized there were 2
tracks between the 2 i was between, and these tracks were
incredibly close to me. i had no to ride out since 2
trains were coming by again. i did the same thing, nearly
got sucked under, and once they passed, desperately
struggled to get to the other side. i was going too slow,
feeling very sluggish, and had to crawl over the tracks.
my dad had to pull me across the tracks before another
train came by. i was worried that my bike wouldn't get
over as well, and just then the train rush passed, and i
woke up.

my interpretation: a train was riding along outside, and
my mind went with it. nothing special.

however, the first dream will hopefully prove to be useful.