An inconcluded life
2005-08-28 13:54:00 (UTC)

getting rid of Blink

I am getting rid of Blink... unfortunately it was much more
fun when I was back at home. Therefore... buh bye!
I will have to get a life.

17.04.2004 (skrevet 03:31 17.04.2004)
The last time I had been there was 15 years ago... It was
the best week of my life. 04-01/04-11

21.04.2003 (skrevet 05:34 21.04.2003) - For venner
The cayuco race came to an end. It's been a week now since
I had the most amazing experience in my life. It was quite
a challenge to myself. And I did it. 87 kilometers from the
Atlantic Ocean to the Pacific Ocean travelling through the
Panama Canal. Not many have done that, and not many will do

There is now a void in my life that I must fill it with
another activity. Practice sessions, busy weekends racing,
etc. I just need to get something to occupy my mind. I do
not want to go back into the vicious thinking cycle. I
would not manage to handle it. I have lost total control
and I lack all forces to keep on going.

After six months waiting for an answer, I finally got my
rejection in the mail. Big hazzle trying to apply for the
stupid program and in the end they did not accept me. No
reasons given. Just not accepted. What really bothers me is
the fact that I had to go ask my frikking boss for a rec.
letter. I have tried to see the bright side, and I have not
yet found it.

I ask the all mighty for peace and strength.
28.03.2003 (skrevet 04:11 28.03.2003) - For venner
It's weird how you come up with the strangest things at
specific moments in life. I found this letter and I can't
let anyone read it. It is safe here because no one will
ever know who I am. Like no one cares what the heck people
write here, so it is safe.

Today you turn 32. It's so weird how the twenties flew
away from our hands. I think it is useless to continue
blaming myself for the shit I did. I know what I did and I
will never take it away from my Karma. Samsara seems far
away after what I have done. And I am paying with tears of
blood and sobs of pain my actions. But there should be no
more regretting.

I have read that regretting and thinking over and over
about the same things is not so healthy for karma. You
must let go and try to improve behaviour. I am trying so
hard. But it is not easy.

To go around in life just wondering what it would have been
like can by no means be called "life". I hurt you and I
hurt you really bad. And it was not only once, it was more
than that. And I will never have enough words to say I am

Right now I feel a little more calmed. I spoke to you. I
heard your smile. I just had to wish you a happy birthday.
I really need to know you are there. And you are right.
Women are always confused. But my confusion is not about
my feelings, it's about my whole life. I know I need you
but I don't know if what I am doing is right. I don't have
any certainty that I will be able to be with you at some
point in this life... but then again, isn't this what life
is all about? Isn't life all about uncertainties and
wonders?? I need peace in my life. I need to organize it
and pick up all my pieces once and for all. I just need to
sit and think what to do. I can't be running away the rest
of my life. Your ghost haunts me down every single day in
life and I don't know how much longer I can manage it.

I must have faith. This new year started off with the
right foot. Energies coming all together trying to make
things go right. I must be patient and wait. You waited
enough. If you did, so can I.

Even though you don't appear to be so sure any more, I am
sure that I will always love you. From deep inside my heart
I will never be able to take you away. We belong together
no matter what. If not in this life, it will most
certainly be in the next one.

Forever yours.


28.03.2003 (skrevet 04:09 28.03.2003) - For venner
Today the sun came out flashing neon pink. Like fire being
fed, it changed gradually into neon orange. Later I found
out it looks like that because of pollution.

But when I saw the sun this morning I could not help but
think how beautiful it was and how lucky I was to be alive.
Many things have happened these past weeks. Awkward things.
Life itself is just so awkward that you end up getting the
hang of it when you are about to die. I am not sure I want
to reach that point.

Not so long ago I read somewhere that love does not die.
Lovers are the ones that die, and it is the rest of us who
must carry on our backs the heavy weight of the corpses of
love. So if love does not die, where does it end up
going? Do we really end up carrying loads and loads of
dead lovers' love?

I personally don't know. There are too many things that
keep me confused and in a really weird mood. I keep
wondering how many people have the same weird thoughts that
I have? Is this normal? Am I really living a normal
life? Is it supposed to be like it is happening? I think
that sometimes one needs to hear over and over how good one
is. Maybe I don't get enough of that, or maybe I
definitely am not good enough. So that would leave me in
the side of the loosers. What a looser I should be!
Loosers give up most of the time. I gave up so long ago!
The shit is that I am a coward and I can't face many
things. I fall in love with life again and it all starts
happening over and over. Like a crazy cycle. That's how
it is. I mean, like what else am I supposed to do? I have
tried so hard all my life that it ain't funny any more.
Don't I deserve any better? What do I keep on doing wrong?
is there something i can do to make things better? I
really don't know any more and I am not sure if I really
want to find out.

I feel I have tried hard enough for quite a while now. I
even thought it was about time for me to get a chance. And
I did not. I am forcing myself to stick to my beliefs and
think that the universe is conspiring for something better
for me. But when I try to think about that i just feel
silly. Bottom line is that I don't deserve any better and
I am stuck with what I have. Period. Just try to get used
to that fact or simply give up once and for all. difficult
decision to carry on???

22.02.2003 (skrevet 05:22 22.02.2003)
2 days before the first cayuco race. These past few
practices have been tough. Trying to build up stamina was
kind of hard, but the worst part was swamping and getting
back into the cayuco. But I managed!!! So now I am kind of
confident in knowing that it will be ok if we swamp in the
middle of the canal. The important part about this is not
to win the first or second place, but to finish the race.

Today I had a hard time with a couple of my kids. The have
so many problems and things going on! I felt like I made a
difference just by sitting there in the detention room
listening to them.

Anyways... must go now.
17.02.2003 (skrevet 03:06 17.02.2003) - For venner
Yes, I am still here in the world of the living. Strange
huh? I guess God sends angels when one really needs them.
And this time it was not BS. This angel materialized
through an email and even though I was at a place where I
should not be showing emotions, I could not manage to keep
those stoopid tears inside me. Those words kind of touched
my life deeply. It's been almost a week since that... I
still feel kind of shitty but deep inside I see the light.
It is the size of the tip of a needle, but I can see it.
And I guess this is what angels do: guide you through the
right path and help you when you are at your lowest point
thinking you can't go on.

Today I went on this awesome hike. "La Ruta Costera". Got a
few cuts from the rocks near to the reef but I'll
survive ;) No matter how sad or down a person is, the world
keeps on spinning. It does not stop, nor does it come to an
end. I guess the spice of life is all about trying to get
up and wipe yourself clean before you can continue on this
hard journey called life.

Thank you Angel.


05.02.2003 (skrevet 04:48 05.02.2003) - For venner
There are days when one just feels like shit. February 5. I
guess it is an important date. A date I keep on remembering
no matter how hard I try to not think about it. It's so
weird how I woke up so optimistic and suddenly just because
of a few words my mood completely changed. It had been a
while since my suicidal tendencies had bursted. It's scary
to know they are back. I'm tired of therapists. Tired of
everyone around me. Tired of waiting and trying so hard to
be patient. I guess I don't possess that virtue after all.
If I make it through this week without having to ask for
help I will feel good.


29.01.2003 (skrevet 14:08 29.01.2003)
Seems like I was here just yesterday typing Happy New Year,
and the month is almost over now! Well, as an update, I
must say I finished finally with my thesis son my time on
the computer will decrease greatly. Not sure about how I
should feel pertaining that matter. Anyways, life is still
shitty and things still need to be set in place before I
can try to pick up my pieces, as it is, I still see them
pieces lying all over the place. Little by little I guess
the universe will place its energies in harmony and things
will change. But how much longer? Will I manage? I guess
it's been good to be here at Blink. I've met a great deal
of peple and made a handfull of friends. Nice people with
their messed up lives. It is recomforting to find out that
I am not the only one that is messed up. (Is it o.k. to say
this??) Anyways. Thanks Blink.


31.12.2002 (skrevet 00:00 01.01.2003)


31.12.2002 (skrevet 18:45 31.12.2002) - For venner
12 hours before it is 2003 here in Panama. half the time in
Norway. Things haven't happened the way I wanted to but
heck, it is the universe the one that dictates what will
happen, when and where. So be it. May the new year embrace
us in its good arms and that its aura be full of


26.12.2002 (skrevet 18:03 26.12.2002)
And so Christmas also went by and the roll of toilet paper
keeps shrinking more and more. New Year is coming and
that's it. The year is gone. Every year goes by faster, and
faster. This New Year's I guess I'll stay home. Too much to
think about and work on. Then I will go to the beach and do
the cleansing ritual with my friends. If this year was
good, next year will definitely be better. Merry Christmas!


01.12.2002 (skrevet 21:26 01.12.2002)
3 days in bed. The horrible flu defeated me. After trying
to fight it for more than 3 months, it finally caught me
and screwed up my Thanksgiving Day. Thanksgiving is now
gone and Christmas is here. Yep... life is like a roll of
toilet paper: the less there is the faster it finishes.


24.11.2002 (skrevet 14:01 24.11.2002)
The most breathtaking view of a double rainbow caught me
when I was coming out of Price Cosco. The sky was light
blue, some clouds and the sun was orange. A stroke of
flourescent orange over the light blue sky made the special
effect. and right by it... not one, but two rainbows!!! an
80 degrees angle of the most beautiful pastels! Bright
pink, highliter yellow, neon green, lively purple, happy
blue and mighty orange.


24.11.2002 (skrevet 13:55 24.11.2002) - For venner
I keep on writing here and my messages never appear. Wonder
where they go? man, cyberspace is so big! I guess there
must by some kind of a cyberlimbo where all the los
messages go. Wonder what it looks like?


01.09.2002 (skrevet 21:42 17.08.2002)
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