Lost_cold_alone

Flying on broken wings
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2005-08-28 03:38:48 (UTC)

Pained truths

Dear diary,

I have been away for what seems-... forever. Though now,
school has started, and no longer to the silent beats of
the summer hum buzz through my ear. Or the soft whisper of
the radio run through the air. No, the busy chitter of
students running to class, and teachers hustling runs
through our ears.

The stress of times not lay upon our sholders, and the
words of hate now lay under our breath. Tears now lay dorm
in my eyes, as though they are ment to stay there forever.

Over the summer I tried out to be in this childrens
play "Phocahontas" It's really fun, and I like everyone
there. They make me smile, and laugh. Today we did our
first two shows, but it was really nerve racking. Though,
we made it through, cause we are greatness!.. thats the
happy part of it all, you see... today eveyone had their
family come and watch the play... I think that I was the
only one that didn't have a parent there-... other than
the one child that had her mother ( i think) on bed rest.
It was all so sweet- there were times where I wanted to
cry, but I couldn't... I just couldn't come to make myself
cry, I just couldn't. I am older than that-... Why should
I care if none of my family or friends where there to see
me...? why should I care? I shouldn't, thats why... they
are the ones missing out. Though... after the whole thing
was over-... my heart was still yet to be stabbed and torn
to pieces...

My father was going to take us out for dinner, to say well
done.. Mother can't let me be happy. I am supposed to be
depressed, and unhappy. We went out to eat, and mother had
already started before we could order. There was to much
for me to eat, and so I was to share it with Chris. So I
did, and I was dazed off most the time about the songs on
the radio. It reminded me about how my own bf... if I
still have heart to call him that... is so far away, and I
dont even get to speak with him anymore. Then desert,
after we had eatten our small meals, that dad can just
about afford. Then mum starts up "Oh I thought you said we
had no money"... it was true, he had to sell most of his
shares just to take us out to dinner, but he did it out of
love, and she just said that I was fat, so I didn't need
anything... That I needed to forget it, and just let us
go. She said that I should just have water from now on. I
said fine, and so I will... if mum thinks that I am fat,
then I will become a stick like she wants me to be. So
that way I can weigh less than her again.. less than
118...

On top of that.. I have school, the pressure of that.. the
classes that I am taking.. they were supposed to be
easy... and fun. Yet I am working myself to the bone just
to try and get a passing grade.. and the family is no help
with that-... as I said on my away message...

"my mother thinks I am shit, and fat. Then I will go on a
diet. I hope that it kills me, that way I know that i died
doing what my fucking mother wants of me. I can't cry, I
can't smile, I can't hug- I just can't be me... they
aren't really proud of me... not even after I got into a
play, and did my first show... no, all mum could worry
about is how much food gets wasted in the world... She
made me cry-.. and I couldn't even go to my room and hide!
I hate that feeling!... it's worse than the feeling of
wanting to die..."

I think s.Neko.. and Bunny boy... sometimes... Chaz... on
AIM are the only ones.. that really try to help...
everyone else just says my name.. or says nothing at all,
it's a wonderful feeling.. it leaves you feeling empty and
cold inside, almost alone, even though you can tell you
are not...

..."Your heart is the window, to the truth, and your heart
always knows"

-Amy -10:38PM


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