Ms. R

Assimilated
2005-08-25 18:48:11 (UTC)

One Hundredeleventh Entry- 8-25-85

Well I had a couple little surprises today....but some
confessions, too.

First I wrote Ron about coming over to swim tomorrow. I
told him I could pick up my printer cord then. Now, first
confession....I told a bit of a lie. Not like me, but I am
not perfect. I told him that I wasnt trying to insinuate
myself to him and that I was just being friendly. Thats
only PARTLY true. I guess I AM ttrying to insinutate
myself, but I DO want to spend some time with him. And I am
being friendly.....but I feel much more than that,
obviously. Anyway...surprise, surprise!!... he wrote back
and said sure thing, AND that I could plan to stay for the
weekend, if I wanted, and that he could take me to the
Library for dinner, as he promised. I wrote back and said
it wasnt necessary, that he didnt owe me anything for
coming over and taking care of him when he was sick. Still,
he insisted, so I said ok.

Now the second confession. Before I left Ron's in June, I
went on his computer and brought up his chat program and I
put his id on top and I copied his password. And I have
been checking to see who is on his buddy list. For weeks
there have been no new names....but the other day I checked
and there WAS a new name. So I added that name to MY buddy
list so I can see if he is on the same time that other
person is. I know, its stupid and its none of my business.
Still I know Ron well enough to know he doesnt use the
chats much....and he doesnt have it at work. When he and I
were dating, all of our correspondance was through e-mail.
We only used chats in the very beginning before I felt
comfortable enough to give him my phone number. But he wont
really tell me anything about what he still feels for me. I
just want to know if he is seeing someone else. I will ask
him but he hasnt always been honest either. If he IS, I
wont see him anymore. I have THAT much integrity. I love
the man but I wont get in his way. And I would NEVER do
anything with the chat info...its not my style. But, as I
said before, I have never felt like this with any other
man. Something tells me I am in for disappointment but I
just want to SEE him for now...no strings. Just spend time
with him. And as long as he is amenable, I will continue to.

The other surprise is I am down another pound and a half. I
cant believe that...not after being stuck here in this
house while the van was being fixed and the popcorn. And
last night I had dinner out and then I had the pretzel
stick and peanuts. Maybe I am doing something right. I just
got off the bike and I did a little over an hour...350
calories and 13.5 miles. Thats the longest I ever did.
That, along with the swimming should help.

When I am happy, I can do anything. When I am not, I just
want to die. People tell me I am strong, but I dont believe
I am. If I were, I would be able to cope easier with
disappointments. I guess having been disappointed so many
times in my life has taken its toll. But hope is all I
have. Its not tangible, but its all I have.




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