Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
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2005-08-22 01:05:11 (UTC)

Distracted

I am finally typing up my minutes from a meeting I had two
weeks ago tomorrow. I'm a quick typist. I'm good at this
secretary shit much to my (growing!) dismay... (Being a
minute-taker/secretary on a committee is something I can't
extricate from being a secretary in my -chokes-
"professional" life right now...normally I wouldn't care
so much, would probably actually like it, in fact... I
like doing this stuff when I don't HAVE to...)

My turn-around time really sucks, though, and it's always
sucked and it's always going to suck because somehow time
gets away from me and there it is, two weeks later and I
swear at myself and say it will never happen again, etc.,
bloody etc.

Only problem is, I'm very distracted right now. I'm using
this as an opportunty to get my priorities in check and to
teach myself a bit of discipline and prove to myself that
I CAN be disciplined when I feel like it or when it is
necessary. What does that mean?

It means that I'm trying to not be emotional and impulsive
and over-reactive to everything, even though this is
something that is very - read: VERY - important to me.

It means that I'm distracted by something a friend of mine
said to me via e-mail that is really bothering me right
now and that started off a chain of thoughts and
wonderings and ponderings and not a necessarily bad chain-
reaction of cascading thoughts, but one that lead to
another vein of thinking, then another, then another, not
the self-destructive kind, not entirely, but the
inquisitive, sad, melancholy, pondering type of thoughts
that I sometimes think philosophers and great writers must
get into before they put pen to paper and start writing
down their latest great discoverings.

Of course, I'm not calling myself a philosopher or great
writer - I'm just saying that sometimes I imagine that
that is way it must start with them, too, a surprising,
unexpected wander down thought paths not anticipated at
the start of one's day, etc.

I want to fold up my minutes, curl up, think, go numb,
maybe cry if I have to to get my mind settled again, to
get my emotions and feelings back in check, but I can't.
I have to do the minutes. So while I feel unsettled
inside, I'm TRYING to remind myself that not every
emotional reaction needs an immediate remedy. This thing
that is bothering me is not going to go away. It will be
there when I'm finished typing the minutes. So I'm trying
to teach myself not to be impulsive and not to give up on
my responsibilities (such that they are) and not to run
off into a corner and try to save someone who is in no
mood to be saved right now anyway.

The audacity thinking that this person requires being
saved!

The incredible audacity thinking that I could save anyone!

I allowed myself to come in here and write for a few
minutes partly so I would have a touchstone for further
thought it I got back to it tonight after the minutes,
partly so I wouldn't forget to write on it again, and
partly to settle myself as much as I could as fast as I
could so I could get my focus back. I'm always worried
when I type up the minutes that they are going to report
something untoward because I'm often doing them at the
same time as something else. I was sort of worried if I
didn't settle my head a bit, my mind would wander and I'd
write something in there that I was thinking instead of
reading and that I wouldn't catch it before I sent them
out...

I'm going back to do the stupid minutes, my mind
marginally more settled.

The other thing unsettling me right now is that my
boyfriend is excavating the bedroom right now - and
unfortunately it's mostly my shit that's that problem in
there...and I just don't like the thought of him going
through my stuff and it's just frustrating me b/c he
doesn't want any help and he knows I have to do this crap
and I asked him if I could do it tomorrow but he's hell
bent on cleaning tonight. I'm glad he is...our
relationship and a few fights we've had will eventually
make their way in here, I think...the most recent fight
being last night when I inadvertently got myself trapped
in the bathroom after I slammed the door (yes, that one
was a right stellar move on my part!)... I'm glad he's
cleaning and doing something instead of playing video
games (I shouldn't talk, I'm a bump on a log, too, but
I'll write on this later perhaps) but fuck, why does it
have to be my stuff TONIGHT of all nights? It's always
the way with us...I always find myself saying, "Why
TONIGHT of all nights?" or some variation thereof.

I've got to go. Good thing I type fast, isn't it? It
looks like I spent a lot on time in here but I really
haven't...

More later once these fucking minutes are done. Right now
I have to go and find out to satisfy my head what exactly
he's doing in there, grab a drink, stretch my knee and get
back to this crap. At least I have the soundtrack to the
Pirates of the Carribean to keep me coming...what a
brilliant composition!

Be proud of me for trying to be disciplined even if I'm
failing miserably. I used to be very disciplined and now
I'm pathetic. Getting back to where I used to be, in so
many different respects, is going to be a right hard
battle. Fuck...I'm not looking forward to it. But I AM
looking forward to coming out the other side and liking
myself (and respecting myself) far better than I do now...

Here's hoping, anyway, for success...

Always,

K2


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