Jammes14

Mercury
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2005-08-21 09:05:05 (UTC)

failing constants

how long has it been since i wrote here? feels unreal...

all of my constants have been failing, all my theories
have been contradicting themselves...

i would have called this a dip in my life's oscillation,
but i don't believe that with as much faith now.

i think ive been thinking too much. i suppose thats been
my problem my entire life, but this time more so. i
haven't been able to get this one scene of personal error
out of my head, and its been causing an unusual amount of
pain. repression isn't working as well as it should. ive
been preoccupied with trying to figure out why.
rationalizing takes hold, and i lose my grip on reality.
am i changing? or is it all in my head?

maybe the world is just changing. all my friends/family
changing so much, maybe i subconsciously got swept up in
it. i hope so. personal change has always been for the
better. environment changes, however, are riskier.

im not going to bore myself by writing the details, as ive
gone through them so many times in my head. besides,
writing abstractly has always been my preference in the
first place. the act of writing is whats therapeutic, not
what i write.

its hard to breathe. and getting harder. and i haven't
even started smoking.

when i usually breathe, every once in a while i feel a
ceiling where my neck meets my torso. if it stays there, i
can only breathe in short breaths. the only way to break
it is to breathe in a kind of way that is extremely deep
and pushes the ceiling out of the way. usually, whenever
this ceiling appears (maybe three times a week? i dont
keep count), i can breathe deeply enough the first try to
break it (if not, wait a few seconds, try again).

now its happening several times a day, and getting more
difficult to break. a few seconds ago, i managed to break
it after about a minute. its happened about 5 times in the
past hour. maybe its because im thinking of it so much?
like when you think about blinking, you all of a sudden
have to think to blink and become too conscious of
yourself.

about one or two months ago, i decided that breathing may
help me with my guilt complex and other mental/spiritual
problems, since i noticed my breathing patterns were quite
erratic. i did some research, found it quite dull and
uninteresting, and quit.

maybe i should go back and do some more research. because
its been really hard to break it. these past few minutes
ive been hyperventilating due to failed attempts at
breaking a ceiling. a little scary. i want to talk to a
doctor about it, but then again, there's a lot of things
id like to talk to a doctor about. 'breaking a ceiling' is
kinda hard to specifically research online.

i guess thats it. kinda missed the topic of this entry,
but im out of practice.


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