Eugene

Date With Destiny
2005-08-20 21:40:05 (UTC)

Hope ~ a "one frigging year" ramble from read4filth


From read4filth on 2/1/2005 12:18:32 PM

you WILL bask in my fierceness.

Early January 2004 when I made my 50278th decision to quit
smoking I panicked like a grade school kid that’s about to
get the wedgie of his life from the token bully. I
honestly didn’t know how I’d live without my pack a day
(more when I partied) habit. How could life be ANY good
without them? How would I cope? What the hell would I do
when I drank coffee, cocktails..etc? My God!!! What will I
do!

Despite the panicking, fear, and plans of failure – I quit.


(how am I going to do this?)


Every single thought of every single day was about "the
quit". Never before in my life was I so aware of something
I WASN'T doing.


(how am I going to do this?)


I would have a cup of coffee, not smoke, and then damn
near throw myself a party for not smoking.


I would constantly be on the q, and stay there until my
eyeballs bled. Reading posts, reading people, reading up
on addiction, yukking it up, learning, chanting “junkie
thinking”, sucking down water…


(how the **** am I going to do this) Could I do it this
time???


Damn right. How? I just didn’t smoke.


I didn’t smoke through parties, breakups, cocktails,
crises, nervousness, stress, deadlines, boredom, coffee…

One minute turns into two…two turns into and hour…hours
into days…months into here I am…

my advice?

Keep your eyes on the prize. If you smoke, then you’re not
quit. Be honest. Read every mantra. One will get through
to you. Read about nicotine addiction. Read people! Get
the Carr book. Post. Make a bud. They make all the
difference. When I was brought to my knees from this
nastiness, they helped me get back up. When I thought I
had no strength, they lent me some by just mirroring what
I had in me already. I haven’t just made friends here,
I’ve inherited a family.

(I did it)

Celebrate every achievement, no matter how seemingly
small. If you smoke in the car and didn't - celebrate. If
you smoke on the phone and doodled instead - hoot and
holler. Because you know what? They aren't small. These
little victories here and there will build the foundation
of a quit, and subsequently your new, smoke free life.
It's these small, personal battles that we fight every
moment of the day that make us champions.

(I ****ing did it)

It's the moments, folks. The MOMENTS shape us.

When you're presented with options, deceptively small -
which one will you pick? The easy way out? Or the tougher,
nobler way out? Instant gratification may be fun - but
it's fleeting. Shame spirals last a hell of a lot longer.

Your choice.

I'm not going to lie, here, folks. Quitting wasn't easy.
There's a reason why there are pills, patches, websites,
support groups...etc. Not easy but not impossible. The
addiction is strong.

You are stronger.

The junkie gets quieter. Then he whispers. Then he finally
shuts the f up.

And then you wonder why the hell you didn’t quit sooner.

I’m over smoking. It’s tired. I don’t miss them at all.
I’m happy – no THRILLED to be rid of them. I’m a different
woman than January 2004 Filth. I was headstrong before,
now I’m downright ballsy. Instead of thinking about “maybe
should I, don’t know if I can”...F it – I’m doing it. I’m
starting a website. I’m starting a business. I got a
promotion. I can do anything. My asthma meds have all but
disappeared. I’m a gymrat and a cyclist. I’m happy. I’m
fierce. I rock.

I no longer think about the "quit". I think about "life".
Life is too short as it is. Why make it shorter?
I am a non-smoker and I'm in the land of the living.

Let’s party.