My so called life...
2005-08-20 17:12:23 (UTC)

Where to begin...

Listening to: Garden State Soundtrack - Iron and Wine
Reading: nothing seems to interest me right now
Mood: Hopeful but yet fearful

I don't even know where to begin. Do you ever feel like
you have to justify your life, your existence? If I were
to bit the dust today... what would people say about me
tomorrow? The one thing that people have always said about
me is "he's a really nice guy." "I've never met a person
as nice as him." I've realized that is exactly what I am
but its not an easy role to play.

Okay so its been a few weeks since my girlfriend and I
broke up. Yah, yah... I know the only time I really write
in this thing is usually about a girl. Well anyways, the
one thing that popped into my war torn brain is why hasn't
any of my previous girlfriends, including the most recent,
when we've broken up, none of them shed a tear. Their eyes
were as dry as the sahara. Why do they seem to always take
it so fuckin well. Maybe its because they're the one
braking up with me. I'm such a fool sometimes.

I am kinda talking to someone right now. Its just
platonic, we're just friends, that's how it should be,
that's how I want to blieve it is. It would just be wrong
if it were anything more than that.

If you're just talking to someone, no mention of feelings,
no "I miss you"'s, definately no "I love you"'s but you
just kind of knew there was something there. An
unspoken, "I wish things could be different", "I wish you
were more than a friend," would that be cheating? And if I
were to continue our correspondence, wether that be
emailing or chatting online, with the only motive being
friendship, would that still be wrong? I don't know... I
guess in a way I feel guilty and that must mean something.
Maybe she should just tell her husband that we're just
friends, for we are. We are just friends. Maybe I'm just
over-analyzing this. I do that often. The only thing that
tends to worry me is the fact she mentions coming to visit
and I get the feeling she's coming alone. I would never
jeopordize a marriage because I believe in them too much.
I think I will entertain the idea of maintaining this
friendship but if for any instant I feel that a line has
been crossed, that will be the end of that.