Xien2000!Corp.

Letters to Future Me.
2005-08-20 06:31:00 (UTC)

Ready to turn the page

Once again, over a year has passed and there is much that has happened the
last I had updated this thing...Without reading the previous entry I will
venture forth into putting down what has come to be a memoir of sorts for
my life over the past 4 years.

Im still in college...evidently a huge disappointment to not only myself but my
family as well. But I suppose in the end I can't let that really concern me
considering most of my family never went to college to begin with, not to
mention that as long as I get a degree and walk across that stage that's the
important part right? I hope so...

The loss of Jeff still haunts me to this day over a year after his death (or
killing, I'm still unsure) in Iraq at the beginning of last year's summer. A
traumatic period ensued shortly after in the fall of 2004 with myself falling
victim to intense panick attacks for well over a month and a half. Just before
the panic I met Melissa.

She did as much as she could to help me through the torture filled month and
a half where I was constantly afraid. You name it, I was afraid of it. Incredible
girl she turned out to be but she and I were not meant to be at this junction
in life. I have begun to see the value in the astrological zodiac as not so much
a guide but a good reference to the basics of human personalities especially
when it comes to finding a partner in the opposite sex. She being a Taurus
(earth sign) and me a Sagittarius (fire sign) I felt as if I were constantly held
back from something whether she did it on purpose or not.

An intriguing girl, she taught me that women truly do not have control of
their emotions and if I allow them to, they rub that uncontrollable urge off
onto me. The past couple of months since our "separation" has been very
emotional for me and I don;t feel as if I am in control of my life anymore.
Hopefully someday soon I will be able to meet someone who can rekindle my
natural fire.

Meeting new people has also proven to be quite the venture in College
Station. This town is not recognized for housing my "kind" of people. I have
found myself becoming extremely depressed over the idea of me not being
able to finding people who I can truly call friends. I don't know whether it is a
core problem with myself that tends to turn people away from me or what but
I have had constant problems in finding 'anyone' to do 'anything' with, aside
from Adam who has conveniently gone and got himself 4 consecutive tickets
all for retarded reasons, but I suppose one is to expect retarded acts from
self proclaimed retards.

I honestly feel as if I am losing control. I don't know whether it is residual
feelings from the panic attacks or whether I have clinically 'caught' Melissa's
depressing outlook on life, but nonetheless as my title states; I am ready for a
new page in the book of my life...

-steve




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