Caitlyn

Caitlyn
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2005-08-18 07:52:22 (UTC)

Here i am....again

Is it just me or am i just the biggest loser in the entire
world? I don't know whats wrong with me. I was at Sean's
house today with all his friends who were getting drunk,
and there i was just sitting there...watching
them...having the time of their lives...hanging out,
laughing, telling awesome stories they've experienced, i
mean, what the hell is wrong with me. Sure, i wasn't
feeling well, but then again, I NEVER FEEL GOOD!!! My
stomach is always hurting and i wanna go to the doctor to
see what the hell is up with me but noooooo! I have no
fucking health insurance!!!!! So, I was making Sean feel
awkward cuz he felt weird if he drank and i didn't, so
guess what i did...just guess. I went home! Can you
fucking believe it???? I went fucking home!!!!!! Now here
i am complaining about everything here on this oh-so-
wonderful computer. What the hell is wrong with me? I
finally get the chance to have a good time with ppl and i
blow it. I'm so fucking sick of EVERYTHING not working out
for me. Oh and guess what else i found out today...I'm not
going to college!!! My advisor said i couldn't cuz my
stupid FUCKING mother is too FUCKING lazy to help me out
with anything. It feels like God is having the time of his
life with me. He loves just dangling everything i have
ever wanted right in my face and teasing me with it and
saying Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha u can't have this!! I can't think
of one thing that is going right in my life right now. Not
one damn thing. Heck, i don't think my relationship with
Sean is doing so hott. We can't go one week without
getting mad at eachother or irritated with eachother.
Sure, i LOVE him to death and i always will no matter
what, but i just have this feeling like God or something
is gonna stop by and dangle the only happiness i have left
right in my face and take it away from me. Thats how i
feel about every goddamn thing in my life. NOTHING works
out! And when i finally think that just one thing might
work out, BAM its gone and i either end up getting sick
and can't do anything, or something breaks or its just
taken away from me. I try so hard to be happy, i really
do! I try to just forget about every bad thing in my life
(which is about 90% of it) and think of something happy.
But it gets harder and harder every day. Why can't i just
be normal? Seriously? Its such a bitch being this way. I
wish i was a people person and be everyones favorite
person to hang out with. I wish everything always didn't
go wrong. I'm sick of worrying about everything. I wish i
could not get stomach pains anymore. I wish i had friends.
I wish to could be the funnest gf for Sean and not make
him worry so much about hanging out with his friends or
being a certain way. I wish i could actually smile FOR
REAL instead of pretending to smile. I wish i was at
Sean's house right now...why the hell did i come home?? I
hate it here..as soon as i walked in the dorr, i stepped
in dog shit. How wonderful? I wanna go back to Seans and
just be a normal person and go out and have fun.
But...oh...wait...I'm Sick!MY STOMACH FUCKING HURTS AND I
FEEL LIKE I"M GOING TO PUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wonder what
they're doing right now? I bet they're having so much fun.
I hope Sean is. When i was over there, he looked
miserable. Sometimes i wonder why the hell he hasn't
broken up with me yet? Oh no! Don't get me wrong, i would
never want that. But whats in it for him? I'm the worst gf
ever! I don't even know how to have fun. I mean, if god
really really wanted to get to me, and wanted to complete
my unhappiness, he would take Sean away from me. I swear,
Sean is the only thing that is making my life actually not
so pathedic. And i bet he's reading this right now
thinking, wow, she's so pathedic. Or, ugh, what the hell
is wrong with her. Well guess what.....EVERYTHING IS WRONG
WITH ME!!!!!! Reality Check!!! There's nothing in my life
that is actually right! Think about it!!!
So yeah, i think i should go before i start complain more
about my life cuz i know its not fun to read about. Heck
I'd be surprised if you actually got all the way down to
here. But i just really needed to just get this out of me.
I can't talk to anyone about it, so this is the next best
thing....


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