Pesheur

Unfinished Business
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Ezoic
2005-08-17 21:28:39 (UTC)

In-between A Dream and A Dream

081705
5:09pm
weather: 81°F, sunny and clear.

We finally got that rainy day last week and I also finished
the paper. After weeks of lying about how far I'd gotten on
it, it's finally gone through and it is the weakest, most
contorted piece of shit I have ever written. I'll probably
get a terrible grade on it, but I guess I deserve that. I'm
just glad it's behind me. I'm ready to dive into this next
year.

I can tell that this Fall is going to be lonely, but
beautiful and profound. It's been so long since I actually
thought of myself as single, even when I was looking for
someone to be with. It's a strange blindness that a long
relationship can put you in even after it's long dead. I
think it took Grace finally letting go of her resentment
and starting to me new people for me to feel this release.
I've been worried for her happiness for so long, I didn't
even think of my own ... that's a little extreme. Of course
I thought of my own happiness, but it was always
inextricably caught up in the resolution of hers and to
some extent, it always will be.

But I think I'm finally able to let go and I have to say,
it's a strange feeling. I'm in a transitory space right now
where I kind of want to be in a relationship, but mostly,
I'm okay with not being in a relationship. I'm just happy
at the idea of actually having a broad group of friends
this semester. That may not even pan out, but I'm okay with
that too. I feel like I've been loosed from my moorings
again and the cool thing is that it doesn't feel like an
ecstatic epiphany, it just IS; I'm in this and not just
experiencing it or visiting it. Putting it that way just
feels right.

So now I'm trying to figure out what to do tonight. I just
got a check from the IRS for earned income credit and it's
burning a hole in my pocket. On the other hand, I also have
to work tomorrow at 9am, so I don't want to get too wild
and crazy. I was thinking maybe I should get a little bit
of whiskey and a movie ... or maybe I should just go down
to main street by myself, pop into a few bars and see what
happens.

This is the only problem: no friends = nothing to do. C'est
la vie! For now, I have to go get some rustle up some grub.


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