Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
2005-08-10 03:16:11 (UTC)

Ranting ...

My life has barely begun.

Everyone says the adolescent years are the hardest ...

Filled to the top with assorted emotions ...

Everyone's life is messed up some way or another.

As Kade once said ... He wished he was a normal boy.
Sitting on his ass wasting away infront of mindless video
games.

I thought about that ...

Nothing is "normal" it just brings me back to the basic
topic of normality.
Normal is what we think normal is ...

But, as the stereo type of a selfish teenager, I'm going
to rant about my petty problems to this diary. This is MY
life ... why am I thinking of how it could be? This is my
life ... This is my life ... So why the fuck don't I live
it? Why am I thinking about other's lives? Why is that
holding me back from bitching about my own?

I've been through alot of shit lately ...
I'm so wound up ...
The tears fall with every scream I hold back ...
Everything I bottle up, and pretend like it's okay.

I can't think a sexual thought, without vomit touching my
throat. Without feeling weak and hitting my knees and
selfishly screaming "why me?"

I can't be alone ... without talking to angels. Without
thinking why things happen ... without thinking "he
deserved better."

I no longer feel alone. I feel the presence of someone
watching ...

I believe it's my personal gaurdian angel.

Here I am ... crying like a two year old.

I feel selfish when I think about my life. I feel selfish
for thinking it's hard ... I know there's worse out there.
I feel selfish to confide in people. I feel selfish to
think about ending it ...

But ... since when do I care what other people think? When
did I start caring when people thought I was selfish?

Fuck this. FUCK IT ALL! IM SICK OF IT! IM SICK OF THE
GUILT! IM SICK OF THE PAIN! IM SICK OF NEVER KNOWING WHAT
TO DO! IM SICK OF EVERYTHING!




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