Kalamity K

The Daily Chaos of Kalamity K
2005-08-09 13:07:45 (UTC)

A Ride Home/Rejections/Frustration

Would really rather not be here again. My head is slipping
away on me again. I hate my job. I hate everything.
Objectively, it all doesn't look THAT bad but then...why
does it all feel so hopeless?

Fuck it.

It's probably just a phase where I feel a disconnect - much
strong than usual - between everything I like and me,
between everyone I like and care about and me - but I don't
trust myself to make that determination. It just all feels
so wrong.

One positive...I had a nice (and unexpected) ride home from
someone last night from my symphony meeting (I hate taking
rides from people - I feel like a leech - but never mind
GIVING rides home, strange, isn't it?). I had to laugh -
he asked, "I have to put gas in the car on the way, do you
mind?" I looked over. "Well, now that you mention it, I
can't possibly accept your offer of a ride now." As I'm
sitting in his car. Jeez. LOL. I should be careful to
joke with people I don't know. All I do is take the
minutes in the meeting. They don't know me from Hannah. I
really like this guy and I like it even more when people
that you see and know in a more or less "work" context
(i.e. we've rarely spoken but I see him present his stuff
at the meetings) turn out to be as nice as you thought.
Ja. All this based on a 20-minute car ride home. Anyway.
I was a half hour late to the meeting. I elected to walk
instead of taking the bus from the subway. I practically
grew up in the area, spent 13 years of my life down there,
every day. Do you THINK I remembered how far the street
actually was? I felt like such a fucking moron. Of
course, I managed to remember that the street I was going
to always used to tie me in fits...but didn't remember that
it was three hours from the subway station. And I mean,
the bus was THERE. And I said, oh ho-hum, it's just down
the street, I'll walk. I should have gotten out at the
OTHER station if I was going to walk. However...I now know
where it is - AGAIN! - so next meeting won't be as much of
a disaster. I don't think I missed much though, so that's
okay. Went to school down there. She lives right beside
my old high school's practice soccer field (didn't belong
to the school, it's in a park near the school). Tom Cruise
lived in there somewhere while Nicole Kidman was filming a
movie here once, and everyone came out to the
baseball/softball practices because he used to go jogging
in the morning in the park. Do you think I saw him once?
No...I was too busy concentrating on the soccer ball.
LOL. It's a beautiful area of the city. If I could choose
anywhere to live because money was no object, it would be
down in there somewhere, probably in that little enclave
area even over the other nearby areas that I love so much.
It's even quieter back there...god it's just so beautiful.

Of course...I don't have millions for these houses. And
believe me when I say they do cost millions.

I have to stop. I'm starting to feel depressed and
unworthy and unaccomplished and like a failure again.

Oh...and the last thing...they are interviewing people for
articling jobs at my office yesterday and today. I haven't
even got a fuck-off letter yet (though I immediately got a
thank-you-for-applying type letter). But I didn't get an
interview. Sometimes I don't know if working in a place is
a hindrance or a blessing when you apply for jobs outside
your scope in the same place. It's worked before. It
didn't work this time. I've been here since December,
though. I don't want to say that they "owe" me an
interview but I remain surprised. Common thinking is that
a courtesy interview should have been extended though I
know they don't have time for those. I just...my
supervisors would have given me glowing
recommendations...so either I was so bad they didn't ask or
they've already decided they don't like me. I don't know.

I'm just bloody sick of this and feeling pretty low about
things right now.

Have a good day, doll. I've got to go and type for Wheezie
before the fucking world caves in.

FUCK I HATE THIS.

K2


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