Codesmith

Life, Or Something Like It
2005-08-04 10:32:22 (UTC)

Sleepless

It's 0804, Thursday. 607am. Cloudy. It might rain today,
much to my delight. I love rain, but that's already been
iterated so many times before in this journal. As well as
other things, I'm sure.

I have the worst case of bed head, that I can ever recall
in my many years of life. I went to bed around 1028pm,
being exceptionally tired. Not that work has really
anything to do with it; I just felt tired. Probably,
because I continually stay up to some ungodly hour every
night.

But this time, I went to bed early. I thought about Katie,
and how she told me that she goes to bed early. Well,
relatively early. That she gets tired out pretty quickly.
So, I thought, maybe I would go to bed at roughly the same
time as her. I would seek comfort in knowing that I would
be asleep at the same time that she was. It worked. Well,
for about a few hours. I woke up around 4am, and I
couldn't go back to sleep.

Going back to sleep had nothing to do with the fact that
Lisa was snoring next to me, or for that matter it was
still baking hot. Actually, it's not hot anymore. It's
quite cool out.

I just couldn't fall asleep. So after the third trip to
the bathroom, I decided that I would stay awake.

Maybe it was the depression that kicked in some time after
5am. From where it came, I do not know. Was it my dream?

I don't think so. Because, I can still remember what I
dreamt. It wasn't anything ... well, I don't know what it
was. Basically, I was in this long line for the bathroom.
Instead of being at the way back, I was at the near front.
In fact, I was next in line. There were actually, three or
more lines. I was on the far left line. There was this
proctor who stood before us, keeping the order and letting
the proper people go when it was their turn. It was
finally my turn to go, and so away I went. I'll spare the
details after leaving the line.

Although, I did feel a bit of suffocation. When I woke up,
I felt slightly asthmatic. So, that's where my sensation
of suffocation must have come from.

As I laid awake, I felt as if I were worthless and nothing
or no one could ever love me. It would have been much more
worse, had I actually felt something.

For you see, I wasn't reall depressed per se. I just
didn't ... feel anything. Absolutely nothing. Every
nagging and defeating thought that entered my mind;
Thoughts of my self-worth, usefulness, or my "needability"
just didn't seem to faze me.

I've become desensitized to that sort of criticism. But
nonetheless some of those comments made their way into my
heart, and the long residing pain that's always been there
began to throb once more. It was made worse by the fact
that Lisa laid next to me, and earlier that night I asked
her to hug me. I was feeling needy, and wanted to be
hugged. She said she would not, since I was not nice to
her earlier.

To offend Lisa is such an easy thing. I really did not
know what I did to offend her. She said it was because I
ignored her earlier. Well, if it were not the pot calling
the kettle black. She ignores me on countless occassions.
But I promised her, it was not intentional. That I was
sorry. Yet, she still wouldn't hug me.

It's not so much that I wanted her to hug me. I just
wanted a hug in general. Such things to be heard from a
male, are such comments where you must wonder if perhaps I
am still under the thrall of sleep. I don't think so, but
I do know that I can be a very needy person on occassion.

At anyrate, I wasn't given the physical attention I
needed. Although, in retrospect, I wonder if such things
are either deserved or earned.

Either way, I've come to learn to go without such things.
Without attention, I mean.

It occurred to me something earlier tonight. That my focus
on love is something a bit too ... latching. Maybe I would
find more peace if I just finally let go of my needs and
my old pains. If I were not so dependent and not so
expectant I would be happier, I think.

It occurred to me something else, as well. The people I
always thought were missing out on life by focusing so
much on their work. Well, perhaps not all of them, but I
suspect some of them do that because they find themselves
in a similar predicament as me. That any focus on love
only brings pain. Hence, their total focus on work or
perhaps other things.

The irony, I suppose, is that despite my alluding to the
possibility of not talking about love ... I continue to
talk about it.

So then. Let us conclude this entry, and start a new.




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