2005-08-02 15:29:44 (UTC)


So for the past week or so Josh and I have been hanging
out alot... I really like him, but the other night I heard
some scary things about him from his brother Jason that I
didn't know before... it makes me kinda cautious about
pursuing things with him because I guess some of the stuff
Josh is into is really bad. I don't know... I like the
kid, so I think I'm gonna stick it out and see what
happens, but at the same time be realistic about the
situation -- we're leaving in like 2 and a half weeks so
who knows what'll happen after we go back to school.

Then ever since Josh has shown an interest in me, Jason
has been acting more interesting (yeah, the trouble with
seeing brothers :) ). So Jason called me last night to
go boating with him this weekend, which should be fun if
not a little awkward especially if Josh is gonna be
there... hmmm, we'll just have to see how it all plays out.

Honestly, if I had to choose between the brothers, I would
have to pick Josh. Jason is absolutely gorgeous, but I
just don't feel like I ever have anything to say when I'm
with him. But with Josh we talk about the most random
shit and laugh and I'm really comfortable around him. AND
Josh says that he really likes me, but he's a boy and I'm
done trusting boys (I'll explain that more a little
later). I can see how Jason can basically get any girl
that he wants, I just wonder sometimes why he keeps me
around... I don't know... whatever... I over-analyze
alot... it's a character flaw.

Alright, on to Andy... He's a shit. A week ago he was
house-sitting for a guy we both know and he asked me to go
over there so of course I did because the house was
absolutely amazing from the outside and I was really
curious about the inside. Well, of course, we started
fooling around. I stopped things and asked him something
about Hollie (the girl he cheated on me with, left me for,
and now is cheating on with me -- isn't it funny how
things work) and his response prompted me to lock myself
in the bathroom and sob for about 15 minutes. Of course,
he was totally clueless about my breakdown and only
realized something was wrong when I came out.

I just started babbling to him about how I wanted things
to go back to the way they were when we were together and
how I know things can't go back blahblahblah. And he did
the sweet thing by just sitting there holding me while I
cried to him about how much I missed him and still cared
for him. Nothing was really resolved by that exchange,
but I felt better because I'm more open to him about
things now. I used to be really afraid to say certain
things to him because I wasn't sure if he'd think I was
crazy or just stupid... whatever... but now we talk about
meaningful things -- Hollie, how this whole summer is
going to impact his relationship with her, how this whole
summer is going to impact our "relationship" (we're
definitely not seeing eachother, but I just call it our
relationship... yeah, I'm crazy, but at least I admit it

There's only one work that can describe my summer...
Fuck! It's been the summer of mistakes and I'm so happy
it's ending... I need to go back to my all-girls school
and forget about boys for a while... 18 days.

Seriously fucked up...

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