Sherry

.... on Living and Loving
2005-07-30 23:18:36 (UTC)

Self inflicted stab in the heart.

I don't know why my-diary replaced all my ' with �.. sorry
about that!

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Today is one of those days.. the kind where you start to
wonder what the hell you are doing� and if all your efforts
aren�t in vain.

How slow is taking it slow� before you stop moving? Is it
stop and go.. or should it be a steady go? Does it matter
as long as you know you are going to get there?

I�m starting to wonder if I�m moving at all. I�m stalled
and I can�t seem to get it started again.

I�m spending the evening with my two best friends.. my
keyboard and Captain Morgan�s.
I�m tired.. not physically tired.. but, emotionally tired.
I�m lonely. Lonelier than I think I�ve ever been. The
minutes seem to drag by. Time can not go fast enough. But
the night will come and that too will drag by. I can�t
sleep much anymore. I wake, and lay there, thinking. He is
so close� yet so damn far away. I am unsure if I lived next
door if he would exert the effort to walk over. I wonder
if it has anything to do with me living 25 miles away, or
if it�s an excellent excuse to keep himself from
involvement in a situation that he�d rather not get into.
If only we could spend one night together� then maybe my
questions would be answered. Maybe that is what he�s afraid
of. Does he still love me? Does he care if he does? I don�t
have a clue. He just continues to say that it isn�t fair of
me to expect him to answer when I ask. Maybe it is.. I
spent so long making him (and myself) miserable. Why should
I expect him to answer me so soon. It�s been going on 10
months since I�ve told him how I feel and how much I wish
we could be a family again. But, we have been divorced for
5 yrs. Am I being unfair?

I�m not talking about moving in.. and I don�t want to
change his life� but there�s a warm wind blowing the stars
around and I�d really love to see him tonight.

(((( Though my love my love is great.. though my love is
true� I�m like a bird.. I�ll only fly away.. I don�t know
where my soul is �. I don�t know my home is ))))

Maybe he�s afraid I�ll fly away again� I didn�t know where
my soul or my home was when we were together. So much has
changed. So much has changed within me. But how do I show
that to him? How do I show that to the world? I was so damn
lonely when I was with him� but that doesn�t compare to how
lonely I am now. I�m tired. So very tired.

I could call someone tonight.. someone to keep the right
side of my bed warm� but that isn�t what I want. I wouldn�t
enjoy the company of anyone but him. I have never been
able to enjoy physical attention when love is not involved.
I don�t know how others can. I don�t understand that.
There�s so much more to sex when you are making love. I
like to look into his eyes and think about how much I love
him� not look into his eyes and wonder what the hell I �m
doing� although I have allowed myself to be in that
situation in the past. I never will again. It�s not me. I
will never have sex again� if I�m not making love. I�ve
made a deal with myself. It isn�t worth it. It isn�t worth
the risk involved and it isn�t exciting for me.
So with that said� I may be celibate.

I wonder how many divorced people have gotten back
together. And I wonder how many divorced people are happy
together the second time around. I know that I have
learned so damn much in the past 5 yrs and 2 months. I have
learned things that will make me a better wife and friend.
I have learned how to love myself which allows me to really
love someone else with all my heart. I have thought about
why we should get back together and I think about giving
someone else the chance to hold my heart. I think that if I
am going to make the effort and be in a �life long�
relationship that he deserves to have/see the part of me
that was missing the first time around. He was a good
husband. I was not a good wife. I could be a good wife now.
Life�s lessons have taught me a lot. I have realized that
the things I thought was important back then�weren�t
important at all. I have learned that hiding behind some
wall for fear of getting hurt will hurt more in the long
run. I know he would like me now, if I am given the
chance.

He would love me. If he loved me before�he�d really love me
now.

But then I may never get to love him the way I would like
to.
I have hope though. I always have hope.
I have learned that to give up hope is to fly away and I�m
tired of flying.




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