Lenora

Whatsername
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2005-07-27 04:01:14 (UTC)

I feel like the scum of the Earth

I'm not rich. I would never even want to be rich. I would
always feel guilty.

I want to go to school. I would do anything to go to
school. I hate this stupid dead-end foodslave job. I have
absolutely zero interest in it. It pays. . . not bad for a
food-slave job.

Financial and personal confession: Okay, so, last year,
total, I made $10G. Not impressive. However, this year, I
have $7000 saved. I was, for a moment, really pleased with
myself, especially considering that rent alone is another
$4800. I was so happy with myself.

My school bills are still going to put me back another
$5000 that I don't have. I can't get a student loan. It
isn't that much to pay back, but it's a lot to pull out of
thin air.

And now I don't know what to do. I haven't done anything
for the last year but work. I don't go out. I don't have
fun. I don't spend a dime on anything that isn't rent,
food, or socks (haha). I feel cheap all the time.

This feeling like a hobo sucks. I'm not getting anywhere
either. I don't qualify for any assistance, because they
say I don't need it. I wish I were more to someone than
just a number. Nobody gives a damn about what I have to
say. I am a form. Everyone is a form. No one matters. The
world today sucks.

I'm still hoping that I have an eccentric billionaire uncle
I never knew about who is on his death bed and decides to
leave his floundering niece $30000. I'm running out of
options. I apply for scholarships, but I don't qualify for
so many things, even though I am an honour student, have
been since the 7th grade. I missed deadlines for this
years' entrance scholarships at the university (why you
apply for the scholarships before you apply to the
university, I will never understand)

And this is just my first year. How am I ever going to make
it through four? Argh. I want to die.

What I want to do now is this: Give up on this stupid
university thing, and just go somewhere. I've got enough
cash to get me far-flung outta here. I have nothing left
here. I should pick up and leave. This is depressing. I
want to go to SE Asia and document indigenous languages. I
think that'd be cool. Don't need my Bachelor of Starvation
to assist a linguistic specialist, either.

I don't understand why this has to be so hard. I'd give
anything to be normal, have a normal upbringing, live in a
normal home, have parents to help me through college, have
a life, get a real job, and end up in a happy little rut I
can just stay in forever. I hate my rut. My rut sucks. And
I know, it could be worse, but I feel like my dreams have
been shot out of the water. What's worse than that? I'm
alright, but I want to cry. I've got shelter, clothing,
food most of the time. I should be happy, I guess. I should
at least give it a shot.

If I'm doing alright, why do I still want to drink myself
into oblivion?

I'm sorry. I'm so depressed. I can't write anymore. Good
Night.


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