bluemoon

The crazy world of me
2005-07-24 06:16:22 (UTC)

SO CONFUSED......................................

SO GUYS I AM SO CONFUSED. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK
THESE DAYS. SHIT JUST DOESN’T WORK OUT FOR ME. SO I
THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO BE ABLE TO GET A NEW CAR BUT IT
TURNS OUT THAT THE MONEY THAT WE ARE GOING TO GET IS JUST
ENOUGH TO PAY THE CAR OFF. SO I AM PRETTY MUCH OUT OF
LUCK. IT PISSES ME OFF BECAUSE I DON’T THINK I SHOULD HAVE
TO SUFFER JUST BECAUSE SOME ASSHOLE WANTED TO BE DRUNK AND
HIT MY CAR. I GUESS THAT’S JUST THE WAY THINGS GO AND I
HAVE TO GET OVER IT BUT IT STILL SUCKS. I KEEP TELLING
MYSELF THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO WORK OUT AND THAT THERE
IS A REASON FOR ALL THESE HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME. PART
OF ME WANTS TO THINK THIS IS ALL JUST TO MAKE ME A STRONGER
PERSON BUT I FEEL SO WEAK. ALL DAY TODAY I JUST STAYED IN
MY ROOM AND SLEPT. I HAD NO MOTIVATION TO WANT TO MOVE
WHAT SO EVER. I HAD NOTHING TO DO OR ANYWHERE TO GO. I
DON’T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT THOUGH. I KNOW THINGS WILL
EVENTUALLY WORK BACK OUT BUT WHY IS IT ALL TAKING SO LONG.
I JUST CAN’T TAKE VERY MUCH MORE DISAPPOINTMENT AND I THINK
I AM SETTING MYSELF UP FOR IT.

IT HAS BEEN SO LONG SINCE RICKY AND I BROKE UP AND I DELT
WITH IT AND MOVED ON. I MEAN I KNEW I WOULD ALWAYS HAVE
FEELINGS FOR HIM JUST BECAUSE HE WAS MY FIRST AND HE WAS
FOR REAL THE FIRST PERSON I EVER TRULY LOVED. I WAS AT THE
POINT IN LIFE WHERE I COULD BE AROUND HIM AND NOT HAVE
FEELINGS FOR HIM. I DIDN’T THINK AND STILL DON’T THINK I
WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM ANYMORE BUT ALL OF THOSE OLD
FEELINGS ARE COMING BACK. LIKE I WANT TO SPEND A LOT OF
TIME WITH HIM AND I GET UPSET WHEN THINGS DON’T WORK OUT AS
PLANNED BUT I SHOULDN’T BE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY
RESPONSIBILITY TO ME. ITS JUST SO HARD BECAUSE I AM AT THE
POINT RIGHT NOW WHERE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NOBODY BUT HE
SEEMS TO STEP IN EVERY NOW AND THEN AND MAKES ME FEEL
BETTER.

ALMOST ALL SUMMER WE HAVE BARLEY SEEN EACH OTHER BUT
SINCE I HAVE NOTHING TAKING UP ABSOLUTLY ANY OF MY TIME
RICKY AND I HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT MORE. HE FOR REAL IS THE
ONLY PERSON I LIKE TO HANG OUT WITH RIGHT NOW AND THE ONLY
PERSON I FOR REAL FEEL LIKE HANGING OUT WITH. HE HAS A LOT
GOING ON THOUGH NOW SO I PRETTY MUCH JUST SIT AT HOME UNTIL
HE CALLS. I HATE THAT. I DON’T WANT TO BE WAITING ON
HIM. I AM NOT NECACARILY WAITING ON HIM BECAUSE I HAVE
NOTHING ELSE TO DO BUT I DO WISH HE WOULD CALL EVERY TIME I
AM SITTING THERE. FOR REAL THROUGH EVERYTHING I HAVEN’T
HADE ANYONE BESIDES MY MOM BUT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE RICKY
STEPPED IN RIGHT WHEN I NEEDED SOMEONE. NOT FOR LONG BUT
HE WAS THERE.

SO WE HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT A LOT AND IT IS JUST SO
DIFFERENT. LIKE WHEN I HANG OUT WITH HIM NOW I DON’T THINK
OF HIM LIKE I USE TO. ITS LIKE WE NEVER MET BUT WE KNOW A
LOT ABOUT EACH OTHER AND GET ALONG REALLY WELL. WE WON’T
BE DOING ANYTHING SPECIAL BUT SITTING AT MY HOUSE TALKING
OR WHATEVER BUT ITS SO DIFFERENT. HE MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH
BETTER AND HAPPY. IF THIS IS THE WAY RICKY AND I WOULD
HAVE BEEN A LONG TIME AGO WE WOULD PROBABLY STILL BE
TOGETHER. THAT’S THE THING THOUGH I DON’T KNOW IF I WOULD
WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM AGAIN. (NOT THAT ITS EVEN A
FACTOR.) I DON’T KNOW I JUST DON’T WANT TO START HAVING
FEELINGS FOR HIM AND THEN HAVING MY HEART SNAPPED IN TWO A
MILLION PIECES AGAIN. I PROBABLY JUST NEED TO LEAVE HIM
ALONE BUT I WANT HIM TO BE IN MY LIFE AS A FRIEND. HE IS
SO EASY TO TALK TO AND SOMEONE I JUST CAN’T PICTURE NOT
SPEAKING WITH. I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE HURT AGAIN AND I
DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS ONE.

I AM SURE THAT THINGS WILL GO BACK TO NORMAL WHEN HE
LEAVES. HE WILL HAVE SCHOOL AND HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND TO
WORRY ABOUT SO THAT’S NOT GOING TO LEAVE TIME FOR ME. I
JUST NEED TO GET IT SET IN MY HEAD THAT YEAH WE ARE FRIENDS
BUT JUST WHEN WE HAVE TIME FOR EACH OTHER. I HATE IT BEING
THAT WAY BUT THAT IS JUST HOW IT SEEMS AND I GUESS HOW IT
HAS TO BE. I HATE IT SO MUCH BUT I GUESS IF I WANT TO KEEP
HIM AS A FRIEND THAT’S HOW ITS GOING TO HAVE TO BE. IT
JUST SUCKS THAT I AM GOING TO BE THE PERSON WHO ALWAYS HAS
TIME BUT I GUESS THAT’S HOW IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN.

TOMORROW RICKY IS OFF WORK AND I HOPE SO MUCH TO SEE HIM
BUT I DOUBT I WILL. HE WILL PROBABLY BE SPENDING HIS DAY
WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND. WHICH I GUESS THAT MAKES SINCE. IT
SUCKS SEEING HIM DO ALL THOSE THINGS FOR THESE GIRLS THAT I
ALWAYS WANTED HIM TO DO FOR ME. IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL LIKE
I DON’T DESERVE GOOD THINGS OR SOMETHING. I NEVER EXPECTED
ANYTHING BACK FROM HIM FOR THE THINGS I DID FOR HIM BUT IT
MAKES ME SO MAD TO SEE HIM DO THINGS FOR THESE GIRLS THAT
HAVEN’T DONE ANYWHERE CLOSE TO THE AMOUNT OF THINGS I DID
FOR HIM. I NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING EVER BUT IT JUST WOULD
HAVE BEEN NICE. MAYBE I AM JUST BEING A BITCH. I DON’T
KNOW.

ONE THING THAT BOTHERS ME IS THAT I WANT A RELATIONSHIP
WITH SOMEONE BUT IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE I WANT TO HAVE ONE
WITH ISN’T READY FOR THE WHOLE RELATIONSHIP SITUATION SO I
HAVE TO BE COOL WITH THAT. THEN THERE ARE A FEW PEOPLE WHO
REALLY WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH ME BUT I JUST CAN’T SEE
MYSELF WITH THEM SO I TELL THEM NO. MAYBE I SHOULD JUST
GIVE IN. WHO KNOWS MAYBE MR RIGHT IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
I JUST DOUBT IT. MY HEARTS TELLING MY IF I HAVE DOUBTS
THEN NO BUT I JUST DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE. I DON’T KNOW.
WELL I AM GOING TO GO MOPE OR SOMETHING I GUESS. FEEL FREE
TO GIVE ME ANY ADVICE. I WILL TALK TO YOU GUYS LATER.


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