Completely Incomplete

Letting Go Is All I've Held Onto
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2005-07-17 07:26:02 (UTC)

Do I even exist?

Do I really matter to him at all?

I haven't cried this hard since I was seven.
I haven't paced like this since I was on the celexa.
I haven't wanted death this much since ... ever.

Why ...
He says he needs me.
Bullshit.

I didn't think it would bother me so much, but just the
merem mentioning of her name ... I threw up to it. It made
me vomit ... made me sick the way he talks about her.

He told me ... that he's not as over her as he though.
No shit ... he seems in love with the girl.
But that's okay, he can have her.
If he makes me vomit, then maybe I don't want him.
If he makes me have to take two celexa ... and break a
promise to the only guy who seems to know I exist ... then
maybe I should forget him.

Is it all about sex? Does the way I look matter so much?!
I sometimes wonder ... If I didn't have a lower half,
would he still love me? Ha ...

I hate receiving compliments about me ... They aren't
true ... and from Nik most of them are about looks. ._.
I really didn't know they were that important.
I couldn't move, no more then an hour ago.
I could barely stand, and Nik wanted me to call him.
And in the midst of me not being able to move, and feeling
violently weak, he tried to seduce me!

I should go. Slip away unnoticed.

Move on ... live my death.

I've been violently crying all night.
Tremerous tears ... I can't take this.

He doesn't need me. He doesn't fucking need me.

Let me go ... Let me disapear into complete nothingness.
Let me have what I want for a change ... ME! THIS TIME ITS
ALL ABOUT ME! NOT YOU! NOT ANYONE ELSE! ME!!! AND PERHAPS
THE ONLY GUY WHO SEEMS TO NOTICE ME! THE ONLY GUY WHO
REALLY SEEMS TO CARE!

Harsh? Yes. I know.

But no one ... has ever drove me to break a promise to my
best freind. I took two celexa. A vomitted on my mirror.
I've cried ...

Right as soon as the phone died. I died with it.

He knows I hate the mention of her name ... I've told
him ... quite a few times. I've dropped countless hints.

I'm over reacting, I know.
But ... Death seems so tempting. Sweeter then usaul. I
want it ... oh god I want it. So badly ...

Fuck them all. They think I'm being selfish?
HA! HAHAHA! FUCKING HA!
I've stayed alive for them, for far too long.
It's my time to make it up to Kade ...
To apologize.

I'm sorry Kade.
I'm sorry I cut ... I'm sorry I took the celexa. I broke a
promise to you ... the guilt ... it's tearing me up inside.
I'm sorry. I wish you were on right now. Hell with it, I
wish you were here with me! I wish you were in my arms! I
wish I could see you ...

I wish I were dead. -.-


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