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2005-07-16 01:57:50 (UTC)

Of High School Friends/Numb

Once, a teacher at my school told us all to forget our high
school friends, that none of us would ever keep in touch.
Ever. Period.

I was never really a social person there to begin with, but
keeping tabs on people is easy enough. As for my friends,
we're close enough, the two people I really call friends.

My aquaintances, it's like we've drifted into separate
worlds. Every once and a while I hear from them, when
they're bored, or can't find anyone else to head to the bar
with.

I've been out of school for a year now. I can look at the
grad photo, count about 10 who have kids (yikes. The
graduating class was 96 people.), I can see the guy who had
his legs amputated the month after we graduated, the guy
who came out of the closet, the girl who went to
pennsylvania to play hockey (pennsylvania? huh?). I am
where I was before. Nothing is new with me. I haven't
really changed much. I grew a self-esteem, and a backbone,
maybe, that's all.

One of the weirder things about high school is that, no
matter what you were in high school to them, you see one of
these people in the bar, and they are automatically your
best friend, regardless of the fact that while you were in
their class, they wanted nothing more than to see you trip
in the hall. *shrug* It gets me a free shot every once in a
bit. Cheap conversation. I tire of the small talk so
easily. I wonder if it's an attention span thing. Does
everyone hate the chit-chat this much?

I leave for "the city" in 2 weeks. I'm leaving everything I
know, but I really don't feel anything. It's a rare
occaision where I give a damn. I can't say I understand it.
I think one time it hit me and I just bawled my head off
for a bit, and then, as quickly as it came, it left, and I
was back to my state of perpetual indifference. I'm looking
forward to the change, though. Monotony is getting the best
of me here. I'm going to university, not to accopmlish
anything, like any sane person, but to have a reason to
escape my current life and town. I have no idea what I want
to be, what I want to do. I don't want to end up the type
who works in a chain store for 40 years, gets a cute party,
and a store-bought cake, and is sent away minus 40 years
and plus. . .what, really?

I want to travel, but I can't get out the bloody door. I
wanted to see things. I've been here a year. Waiting. Why?

I don't know why I'm so numb. I'd like to fix it, but I
don't have a clue as to where to start. I'm numb. Numb.
Numb.

There's a guy I see around. Actually, there's a couple. I
see them around, and they remind me of a time when I felt
something, even for a brief moment. The two I'm thinking of
I used to work with (where else could I meet anyone sane?).
I remember feeling like I was floating off the ground
whenever they would show me the slightest bit of attention.
The one, he gave me a hug on my last day, and it was all I
thought about for the month or so after. I loved talking to
these guys. I don't know why I was never anything to them.

I see this guy around town, anyway. We were good friends,
as coworkers go, we talked a lot, laughed a lot, helped
each other out. I quit, put in my notice, etc. He looked so
sad to see me go, but we never kept in touch.

I saw him when I was out one night, and I stopped, we
caught up, and went back to our respective groups. Before I
left, I tapped him on the shoulder, shook his hand, said I
really enjoyed working with him and anytime he needed
someone to hang out with, he could give me a ring.
Tremendous guts on my part. I would normally never even
have the guts to speak. Period.

So I see him around the next weekend. Ugh. He gives me this
look like he's just swallowed a bug. Huh?

I see this guy around a lot, more than anybody I know. I
just bump into him everywhere. It's not fair. I'm so
confused.

The other guy is a painful story. He chucks me, then 3
weeks later, I find him. With my roommate. Together. On my
birthday. Yay.

I was so in love with him. It feels so weird to say that.
Like I can't remember a time when I could feel this much,
or can't understand why I was so crazy about him, this one
guy in particular. He was nothing special. Still, I was
crazy about him for years. Years. Way to waste your youth.
Ick.

Yuck. I'm even depressing myself. Can't write any more
today.


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