AutumLeaves

When There's Not Enough

I got to see my guy this week, yesterday actually.
*thinks* I really enjoyed being with him, like always,
except we had this little...mock fight, or something.
Basically, I'd been down there all day and he'd been
playing guitar and I hadn't been doing anything really.
His friends show up and want to chill...so basically I
just leave, which upset me because I devote entire days to
seeing him, I mean I do nothing else on those days but see
him, if my friends call, they're second. That's the way it
works with the friends and couple thing. Basically,
whoever makes plans with you first, you hang out with.
*shrugs* But, I got pissy and got mad at him, which I
shouldn't have...but I did and there's no excuse for it.

I always thought that being apart would really help any
relationship I had. With my previous one, we just saw each
other too much, we were always in each other's business,
but in this situation, both he and I have a lot of
freedom...I guess I think distance is good, because that
way he'll miss me. I miss him, but it wouldn't matter if
he lived there, California or right down the road.

I guess I've just been an uber bitch lately because of
things I shouldn't be uber bitchy about. I've been
thinking about him a lot lately and I really worry about
that. I keep warning myself not to get in too deep, to
just float in that grey area...I don't know if he's happy
there or not. I don't know...maybe I can't be in a
relationship without really falling for someone. ...I
thnk that he really cares...there's just things that he
does that someone who didn't care wouldn't do. I mean, he
loves that song, the Lifehouse You and Me song, and I love
it to. He said something awhile back about now he had
someone to think that way about or something. He's been
practicing it on his guitar and when I went down
yesterday, he tried to get himself to play it for me. I
think he was scared, but it was so cute. He'd play the
first part, stop, shake his head, play the first part,
stop, shake his head. *shrugs* And I don't know...it was
just incredibly sweet, and I have this awful feeling I've
done something terribly wrong.

So, I don't know what's going to happen. I guess it's
all up to him. I just don't know what he wants.